Raising polite children

Lily (18 mos) is dancing to Mozart in her music class. The teacher is handing out gauze scarfs that make it even more fun.  "Tanks!" she automatically murmurs as she grabs the scarf and starts spinning around.  A boy bumps into her, almost knocking her off her feet.  "Soh-wee," she says as she struggles to right herself.  "OK?" she turns to check on the boy before returning to her dance. Soon the music is over.  "Drink, peeese!" she smiles at me and give me a hug as I open a water bottle for her.

Where did she learn to act this way?  Mostly, from her three-year-old brother Alex, who is delighted by how well he has taught her.  He knows the secret that most adults miss.

Bad language is not the only type of idiom that stick. Children imitate all they hear from us: speech mannerisms, colorful epithets, exclamations of joy & frustration. Same goes for politeness.

Kylee (age 4, as far as I can tell) is engaged with her friends at the playground. A girl shares a toy. Kylee's eyes are full of delight. Thankfully, she picks up the doll and looks at her in fascination. She looks up at her new friend, in silent grattitude. Suddenly, Mom appears.  "What do we say, Kylee?" the moment is gone... Kylee becomes withdrawn. She takes back a few steps and murmurs, "Thank you..."  "That's right, Kylee, we always remember to say thank you, right?" The rhetorical question is left unanswered and Kylee is absent-mindedly twirling the doll's hair as Mom leaves.


Kylee has received a lesson her mother would be shocked to learn she has given. Instead of politeness, she was tutoring her daughter in tactless, graceless rudeness. Have no doubt - the lesson learned will surface, though not recognized by either - and her family's reaction will confuse Kylee further, beginning to undermine her trust in her family, adults, the world around her.


There are several simple rules to raising polite and considerate children.

1. Teach by example
   
   Always model behavior you would like to see. Transform your dialog with those around you. Thank your spouse for making breakfast.  Always greet the people in the street. Be extra polite to the security guy.  You kids will think that's just how the world works! My kids love waving at neighbors as they drive by.  In addition, it helps let the driver knowthe children are aware of the car.
   
   Consider expressing grattitude instead of praise to your children. This may not be obvious - but gratitude is far more respectful than praise.  Try it on for size:  "Thanks, Mary.  I really appreciate what you have done for me."  versus "Mary, you've been doing such a great job!" Can you tell who is the boss in second interaction? Apply this simple logic to light up your child with adult pride: "Thanks, honey, for taking care of your little sister while I was making her bottle. "
   
   
2. Parent respectfully
   
   Don't reprimand, patronize or criticize. Treat your child with the same respect you would show your spouse, cooworker or a friend. Respectful parenting approach is about finding ways to model behavior & set up reminders that are not shameful and do not put the child on the spot. 
   
   Did you know that it is hardest to express gratitude when you are overwhelmed by emotion? The greater the delight at receiving the gift, the harder it is to remember to thank the giver.  So, consider expressing thanks yourself - again modeling proper behavior to your child.  "Thanks, Mr. Jones.   Alex loves the ball.  It is so generous of you!"  Alex heard the proper polite form and got a chance to associate it with true grattitude. Over time, the feeling of grattitude will bring back your words and you'll be delighted to hear them come so naturally and eloquently out of your three year old's little mouth!
   
   
   
   
3. Conceptual Learning
   
   Provide an opportunity to understand the underlying concepts once the child has obviously mastered polite form.
   
   Talk about polite words making people feel better and cheer them up. Use an opportunity to show how saying "sorry" (uncajoled, of course!) makes us feel better for saying it. It enables us to get back to playing with our friends without hard feelings.
   
   Later, you can discuss the concept of nice. Being nice is about thinking about what might make another person happy and then doing it. To be successful in such discussions about other people's feelings, you have to be sure that the child has learned to identify feelings of his or her own .
   
   
   

So what does Alex know about raising polite children that most of us miss? He says, that Lily likes to do what he does, because she wants to be just like him! And he knows that the way we teach babies to be polite is we are always polite to them. So he never misses a chance to thank her.


"Mommy, mommy! Lily needs you! Hurry!" I hear in the background.  "What happened?" My heart skips a beat.  "I bumped into her," he says, knowing it is safe to tell me the truth, "and it hurt her.  I said, I was sorry.  And I said, 'Are you OK?' And I gave her kisses.  But none of it is working!" 

Well... we try.  The rest is a lesson for another day!