Stop yelling at kids

I believe, there are many objective standards by which one can judge parenting skills. A key measure that's always available is the level of voice used with children. As temper flares, we all occasionally find ourselves in a situation where the louder one wins and it is surprisingly effective: a child recognizes mommy lost control and usually quickly does whatever is necessary to restore peace and more.

Though effective for a drill sergeant, it is not actually a good parenting tool. Since the purpose of parenting is to teach, fear is never helpful. After all, imagine trying to learn long division with somebody holding a club over your head, waiting for you to make a mistake. It is highly doubtful, you will grow up to become a great mathematician.

Understanding this in theory did little to help control my temper. About a year ago, I was completely unprepared for suddenly having two young children taking turns at driving me crazy. They tripped me up and I lost perspective almost daily. I found myself yelling at terrified children, then adding accusations as the situation started winding down to make myself feel better about the outburst.  (They deserved it, right?)

I sought support from others and found none. Most people told me, "there, there - nobody is perfect. And your kids know you love them." Decidedly not helpful as it did not provide any means to solving the problem. 

Today, I am in a much better place. I feel like congratulating myself almost daily as I find the patience, kindness, and perspective to navigate the turbulent waters of parenting. Sure, I am still "not perfect", but now I have the toolbox that has helped me gain control and will continue in the future. 

The basic recognition I made is that suppressing emotion is not the solution, and attempts to do so work out about as well as plugging up a garden hose.  And like with a water flow, there two things you can do: find where the faucet is to turn it off or direct the flow away from your face.

The faucet approach. After an outburst, even a minor one, I immediately ask, "OK, what could I have done to avoid the frustration?" This is a better thing to ponder about than "... to avoid yelling." Accepting that frustration is likely to lead to a conflict helps treat the cause instead of the symptoms. As a result of thinking about this question, I recently realized that when a child is refusing to listen, it is better to exert gentle physical control (pick him up) than verbal (repeat the thing over and over). Picking him up rarely leads to confrontation. Now, each outburst, instead of being a failure and an opportunity for guilt & penance, is an opportunity to learn and add to my parenting arsenal.

Directing the flow. When I catch myself yelling, I change the message to expressing my feelings.  "I am so frustrated right now!" I used to make the mistake of trying to stop, which would rarely ever work. Instead, it would create pressure and tension, waiting for me to blow. Problem is, I've already lost control - I can't put a clamp on it - but I can give it a healthier outlet, both for me and for the children, who will receive the message, "Mommy has emotions" instead of "you are bad." Often, when the kids hear it, I see their attitude change. Instead of stubbornly defending their actions, they begin to regroup and focus on cheering me up as I took away the threat & accusation. There will be time to figure out what they did wrong later.

Repeat the message of love. Once it's over, I do need to make sure everyone is ok, that there is no permanent damage. It isn't just for the kids - it's to alleviate the sense of failure, to enable me to shake it off and continue instead of wallowing in guilt & self-pity for the rest of the day. "I love you very much even though I was really mad at you." I usually get, "I love you too, mommy" and lots of hugs and cuddles follow, restoring peace.

No consequences.  My rule of thumb is, if I got too upset by the situation to maintain control, I am too upset to figure out and set long-range  consequences for the kids. I get to learn to handle the conflict first - then I get to teach them. And if it takes a few iterations before I get the hang of it - so it does. When I have successfully handled it with patience and kindness, I will usually discover that consequences are simply unnecessary. And on the rare occasion where they are, they should be preceded by long conversations filled with lessons before a consequence should be agreed upon.

Our home is much more peaceful now and my conscience is clearer. And the more I apply these techniques, the more I am impressed at my kids and how well they are picking up on the cues and pre-handling frustrations.