Siblings without rivalry

Siblings fought before you were born, while you were growing up, they still fight now and will forever, right?  I knew a woman who said, she did not want to have multiple children because she didn't want to experience what her and her sister put her mom through by their constant conflicts.

We were visiting friends, wonderful parents of two young children.


"Mooooom, Tory is not sharing!" "Tory, be nice to your sister!"
"Moooom!  Rylee took my truck!" "Rylee, give that truck back!"

I only had one child and was still pregnant with the second.  "My goodness," I thought.  How are these children expected to get along independently? What kind of a relationship are they going to have?
Next time we heard a howl for adult intervention, I decided to experiment.

"Rylee, have you told Torry how you feel?  Give it a try!  I know he loves you.  Just ask him for your toy."

Miraculously, Torry, who had been a belligerent two-year-old boy all afternoon, was offering Rylee the precious truck they have spent all day fighting about!




To help our children develop a meaningful loving relationship, follow these principles:

1. Help them learn to communicate their feelings to each other by offering advice
2. Do not intervene unless someone is about to get hurt.
3. Respond to complaints by asking that the sentiment be offered to a sibling (or other playmate). Do so with kindness. Do not allow resentment or annoyance into your voice.
4. Offer suggestions for creative solutions.
5. Allow conflict.
6. Remember, sharing has to be voluntary. You cannot force a child to share, nor do you want to send the message that there is no such thing as property if you want your child to respect other people's things!

"Mommy, I don't want to share this toy with Lily... It's very special to me!"  Pause.

"I know!  Lily, I'll get something special for you.  Look, here is your Dora.  Isn't she beautiful?"  "Oh, fanks, Awex!  Mommy, wook!  Awex gave me it!  Dora byooootiful!"  "Mommy, I gave Lily Dora and now I can play with my toy!"

It is so lovely to watch kids practice these principles and watch their relationship blossom.  It doesn't happen overnight.  Don't worry if you repeat the idea for a hundredth time.  Relax and so will they.  Learning to live in the world isn't so different from learning math or any other subject.  Practice makes perfect and success builds motivation.