Kids, Stress and Spazz

Having a four-year-old and a two-year-old, I find myself switching my focus from one to the other as they alternate suddenly growing horns and turning into... well... it's not nice to call your children names.  It seems, as soon as one is done going through a thing, the other one goes for it! Over these years, I have developed some insights into what's going on that helps me retain my cheer and even display occasional grace as we go down this path.

Children often go through phases during which our relationship with them becomes rife with conflict. Our grandparents generation said, we were being bad. Our parents preferred "acting out" as the descriptive term.  I use "spazzing".  It is inoffensive, very descriptive and accurate in what's really going on. Sometimes, a child will seem to bounce of walls, damaging the household belongings, refusing to listen or cooperate. At other times, he or she may break down into tearful tantrums over the smallest things. My son used to get into angry sulking moods and I couldn't get through to him. There are dozens of way for a child to exhibit this behavior, but I have come to believe that they all mean the same thing:

   I am stressed.

Stress in kids seems to come from three major sources: developmental spurts, major changes and disruptions in his life, and stressed parents. During these phases, strict discipline seems nearly useless, often exacerbating the problem. It makes sense. Imagine coming home grumpy from a tough day at work preceded by a long and difficult period to have your spouse say, "This is not an acceptable behavior in our household." Definitely not good! After all, we look to our partners to help us calm, relax, refocus, so we can rethink the situation and make better decisions at a later time.

When I notice (usually a little too late as this has been going on for days and I've been making it worse without realizing it) that a child is in one of those phases, I put on the breaks and bring out stored supplies of patience, knowing that this is going to be the first step in helping resolve the crisis. Knowing that I am dealing with a stressed child and that it'll take a little time to get past it, I settle in and wait, usually notifying my husband that he needs to do the same. Often, it takes a couple of days after making this recognition for the bubble to simply pop and disappear, and my little angel reappears with a smile.

The next step is the one that's easiest for me to analyze: Am I stressed? It is astonishing how often the answer is yes, and I had no idea till I asked the question! Once I recognize that this is the problem, two things happen: it enables me to be more patient with the child (after all, it's not his fault but mine!) and I focus on improving my own well-being to get back to my top parenting shape. (Sleep is almost always the number one ingredient in the solution!) Sometimes, the effect is so immediate, I am certain I have not made any changes in my behavior - it's as though the child heard me make the recognition and calmed down!

Sometimes, particularly when the cause of stress is a major developmental spurt, things get tough for a while. Here is how I explained this to my big boy Alex who needed to understand why his little sister became near-impossible to get along with right around 18 months:

Imagine, you are climbing a mountain.  You keep going till you reach the nearest peak.  You look around and see so much more than you could before! In front of you is a beautiful valley. You look around in astonishment. Suddenly, you become afraid. The world is so much bigger than you thought! And you are so high up! You are both excited and scared, happy and sad. After a while, you get used to it and feel better. So you keep on going. Higher and higher, till you reach the next peak. An even more beautiful view opens up... Again, it excites and scares you. You feel out of control. But then you feel better and keep on going...

That's how I see a young child's path... A series of peaks and stretches of steady climbing in-between.  It's no wonder, they lose control from time to time! Understanding this has always helped me cope - and my mountain climbing picture helped Alex be patient and kind as well!

The only thing to do is, get out your supplies of patience and understanding. Get the little guy or girl the benefit of the doubt and space in which to relieve the overwhelming emotion freely and safely... and wait for it to pass.

When the problem is major change, lots of closeness and cuddles are what the doctor ordered. Talking about everything and nothing at all, stories about the child's babyhood and the parent's childhood; long walks with just the two of us if there is an opportunity - anything to make him feel safe and close.  Usually, this closeness will enable good conversations about what's happening and I am often surprised  when I finally figure out what it's been all about!

Another episode with Alex's reaction to his baby sister comes to mind. I was at wit's end: Alex quit using the potty altogether, after six months or more of being accident-free! I didn't know what to do.  Our relationship began to suffer from the stress and conflict surrounding the situation. One day, after a bath, I wrapped him in a towel, like a baby.

"I am a little baby!" he said.

"Oh yeah? And what do babies do?" I played along. 

"Hurt people!"

Lily was around a year old. It was that age when she batted her big arms around, having little control and even less understanding of the damage they did. Alex adored his little sister and had always been taught to be gentle - we were so proud of him for being patient and forgiving. But it turns out, he was not ok.  Once it was out in the open - things were easy. We talked about how to teach her to be gentle and the role he could take - and why she behaved as she did. Potty accidents stopped the same day and our family was back to peace and harmony.

So there you have it: a stressed out baby needs to learn to regain control. With patience and understanding, he will - and the skills will last him a lifetime.