Relationship work

For a long time now I have been wanting to share a wonderful tool my husband and I have developed that first rescued our marriage and has helped us keep the closeness as we go down the bumpy yellow brick road.

"I thought, everything was ok and now you are telling me you've been unhappy for years!" I felt for my husband. My confessions had shaken him deeply. "The worst part is, how can I ever trust that things are getting better?  If I could be this wrong today, what is to convince me all is good in the future?"

He had a point. Yes, we were having problems - but I was pretty sure we could get past them. But for it to work, we needed to know that good meant good - and not the impression of good. I was a little scared, too. If he lost trust, it was a guarantee, things could never be truly better. I thought fast.  What would... the thought began to form.

"I have a way..."  I began.  He did not look particularly convinced after I explained. I was a little hurt - where was the credit for my brilliant idea that came in a moment of crisis? "Fine, we can try this." He was going to let me have at it, not exactly kicking and screaming - but I knew, I had my work cut out for me. 

And here it is, Relationship Work as we came to call it.  

The method:

There are two parties: we'll call them, plaintiff and respondent. Plaintiff, predictably, is the guy with the problem...

Plaintiff identifies and voices the problem and his intention to work on it using the Relationship Work method. The timeline is immediately set.

He then composes a letter to the other, where he states the problem, tries to identify the underlying causes and propose plausible solutions. 

The respondent receives the letter and has a few days to respond.  He reflects on the information in the original letter, the causes, the solutions and lends his perspective in a response.

There can be no further responses - no back-and-forth. The positions have been brought to light and it's time to think.

Several days later, the couple comes together to discuss the now well-known issue.  Both parties have had time to really think about it and are now in a problem-solving mode. If additional issues come out of the conversation, they may set aside the original problem to work on those one at a time.

The plaintiff is responsible for tracking the problem in the future and bringing it back should a relapse occur.

Analysis:

Nothing ground-breaking?  Too formal? Plantiff? Respondent? Official letters?!

Ok, let me explain. The fundamental principle is that for a couple to resolve a problem, they need to be on the same side. Few problems ever get resolved in a fight, where two parties are screaming accusations across the room. We have to come up with a way where a problem can be brought about with no immediate repercussions, have an opportunity to be thought about, analyzed, and ultimately brought to a problem-solving session, which is removed from the emotion of the moment.

Here are surprising things we have found:

1. The hardest part of the work is generating the Plaintiff letter. Having time to think about the issue and knowing that the purpose is to bring a real understanding to my partner, makes the job an agonizing task. I am implicitly aware that accusations and verbal attacks are not productive, that I have to work with the things I know my partner and I agree on.  Sneaking in, "If you had cared, you would have..." is not possible under these circumstances. Moreover, I have to dig into my partner's motives, not just my own.
2. The work involved in correspondence is so hard that we often came together for impromptu discussions helping each other figure out how to bring the explanation of the problem to the other! Just working on it removed the adversarial relationship.
3. While we were generally able to turn most issues around in a week, the toughest one took three: a week and a half for the Plaintiff (me), a week for the respondent (him) and a few days to think.
4. We frequently found, there was little to discuss at the final session - just some clarifications of what we meant. This was not always true, but it was nonetheless surprising and delightful when it was.
5. Thinking we had a year of such therapy ahead of us, we ran out of steam in five sessions. We truly felt, all of our problems, many lasting from the beginning, were resolved. This stayed true for a long time - until, recently, we found one more whose symptoms were so far removed from the cause - we overlooked it completely.
6. Our dialog on day-to-day issues had changed. Remembering the tone and spirit of this process, we were able to bring minor issues to each other with a sense of camaraderie and benevolence.
7. Much of the time, the issue in question turned out to be an uninteresting and minor symptom of a real fundamental error which, once resolved, gave us a whole new level of understanding and interaction.

I feel a little naked making this story public. Not only is it very personal, there is so much more that has to be explained for this to make perfect sense...  But for the moment, I want to let this baby fly and will likely touch on it again when I decide it's time to share the most recent discovery we made thanks to this method. But it's not time for that yet - we are both still basking in it...

So, have I peeked your interest? Ask me something if you would. I'd really like to explore this territory further...