Jealousy and envy

Alex and I had our Taikwan Do belt tests yesterday, him receiving the next, Yellow, belt, me skipping over it and getting Senior Yellow,  our paths divergent for the first time.

I had fretted much about how to talk to Alex prior to the event.  As I predicted, he was very upset, stating that we should be doing it 'together', that he was extremely unhappy that I would have a different belt from his, and shedding some tears.

Setting it aside for a few days, I set out to explain the general concept. We talked at length, without reference to the situation at our martial arts class, about a person's achievements being his own, that his challenge being only to give his own best.  In addition, we spoke about the pride one might feel at having a loved one accomplish something special, this being independent of one's own accomplishments.  Going through many made-up concretes, and using opportunities from minor circumstances that arose in our day-to-day life  to illustrate the point.

Yesterday, he broke a wooden board with the side of his bare hand, a challenge that every martial artist gets to overcome many times in his career. I was immensely proud of him.  The youngest student in the group, the little tiny five-year-old who had struggled to break the plastic snap-boards in practice, he did the task with focus and efficiency, leaving the audience in awe of his form and skill.  At bed time, we spoke about the experience.  I was so proud of him!  Then I said, "And I got to break the fat board, the kind they have for adults.  He gave me a beaming smile, one full of happiness that, I am sure, mirrored my own.  I was touched.  I said, "Your smile makes me so happy! I shows me how happy you are at something that I did!"  There was a pause.  "Mommy, I want to see your senior yellow belt", he said, still smiling happily. We had not talked about it in a couple of weeks, so not only was he accepting the circumstance, but he chose to bring it up, wanting to see my accomplishment.

Somebody said to me earlier, envy is not innate in children. Probably not, if you define envy to be the desire to destroy the good because it is the good: to want to take away one's value rather than acquire it for oneself.  On the other hand, jealousy is very natural: the wish for another's belongings, success or position in life. Envy is borne of resentment, while jealousy of valuing.

I loved teaching my son about coping with the feelings of jealousy. I think, it is the inability to cope with those feelings that can lead to bitterness, resentment and ultimately envy. Learning to separate another's success from one's own desire for same and being able to set independent goals while being genuinely happy for a friend's achievement is a true virtue, one that enables greatness. I am also proud of him for the ability to process this and come out on top!