Explaining lying to kids

Lying creates one of the most hurtful conflicts we have with our children. The problem usually starts up at the age of two and a half. "I washed hands!" he announces with a mischievous grin and eventually produces filthy, grime-covered fingers. The issue escalates as he gets older, often becoming a family battle by the time he reaches his teens.  Not surprisingly, we are long past thinking it's cute at that stage.


To convince our children to be honest, we need to examine why it is of paramount importance. I would like to offer the following principle, one that has changed my understanding of honesty, and is as accessible to you as it is to your children.

Lying is a misstatement of reality.  It does not change the world around you, but misrepresents it. In other words, it doesn't make the bad situation that got you to lying in the first place, better.

Me: Alex, what color is this shelve?
Alex: Black.
Me: No, it's not.  It's yellow.
Alex looks dubious.  "It's black!"
Me: "Hmmm... I guess, saying it was yellow didn't change it, did it? Making stuff up never does.  Now... is there anything I could do to change it?"  Pause  "How about taking action?  Could I paint it?"
Alex: "Yes!  You could paint it yellow!"

I had spend months trying to convince my three-year-old not to lie because I couldn't trust him if he did.  Gosh, this approach has never gotten through to anyone! Most people lie because they want to preserve that trust under false pretenses!

After this dialog, any time I caught Alex lying (trust me, it's really easy to do with a three-year-old!), I wouldn't berate him, I would simply say, "Honey, you remember, lying doesn't change things.  Doing changing things. Your hands are still dirty - that's reality. Now, how can you change reality?"

You can apply this logic to a resistant potty student, whose bladder is full despite his insistence that he doesn't need to go. You can laugh about vegetables still being on the plate & tummy still empty despite the claims to a finished dinner.  There is no situation, in your child's life or yours that this formula doesn't apply to. This isn't a parenting trick, but a fundamental understanding of why honesty is a virtue.  Trust, self-confidence, respect of others, all come as a result of one being firmly bound to the real world, unwilling to disconnect from it by distorting it in his communication to self or others.

Are there circumstances when lying is appropriate?  Misleading an enemy surely counts. In war, we give out wrong information, bad maps, misleading intel. In this case, we are perfectly aware of what we are doing. Yes, we are distorting the adversary's perception of reality to cause him to fail. There is no guilt or shame associated with the act of lying in this case. And we are willing to put forth a lot of effort to preserve the integrity of the calculated lie we have created.

Compare how you feel when you call in sick when you need a day off. You cough and sputter. You worry about running into associates. You put up with sympathy from well-meaning coworkers and create more lies to support the alternate reality you've started with a phone call. Do you ever wish, you just told the truth after the fact? Or had concluded that annoyance of having to deal with all that wasn't worth it?


This principled delineation of the reasons for lying enables your child to successfully navigate this confusing issue. He will encounter lies in his life and will be able to understand and react appropriately. He will discover lies & concealment from adults who are trying to protect him and may attempt to persuade them that they should not alter reality for him, but also understand the cause of their mistake. He will see you taking on adversaries and will make appropriate judgment instead of being confused by the apparent contradiction created by a parent who insists that lying is always wrong.

As an adult, he will be equipped with the skills to judge why people lie and how it should impact his relationships. He will be a fundamentally honest person, who is capable of deception that is free of guilt when circumstances demand it.

In conclusion, I want to entice you not only to teach your child the principles of honesty outlined here, but to practice them.  You will enjoy a simpler life, a better relationship with your children, and a peace of mind.