I am better than you!

America is a guilt-based culture.  What I mean is, we tend to use guilt as a primary manipulation tool. On the other hand, from what I read about the middle east, it is a fear-based culture. People manipulate each other through fear. Women are afraid to step out of line because of consequences. Men are raised from babyhood to listen to their elders and follow the line.  I grew up in Russia, a shame-based culture.  Children frequently hear, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" "You are a bad girl. I don't love bad girls!" "What would your daddy say if he saw you like this?" Students get to stand up in front of the entire class as they are being dressed down for stupidity or some other flaw. Everyone is always worried about what someone else might think, they are doing badly.


The flipside to shame is a kind of second-handed pride, which sounds like, "I am better than you" "I come from a better family." Or, from others, "A girl like Kate would never have the wrong kind of friends."  I recently discovered that while suseptibility to shame and second-handedness generally are character flaws I have successfully dealt with over the past decades, this misguided snobbishness is something that still lives within me, hurting my life every step of the way, despite my best efforts.


Today I was able to zoom in and identify this as the key problem I need to resolve in the coming months and years.

• Do I sound in my blog like a know-it-all and is it costing me audience?
• Did you know, I have a hard time reading other people's blogs because of the pain involved in discovering, I am not as good a parent as you?
• If you and I met, how long do you suppose it would take me to run through a mental checklist and become profoundly disappointed that you are not the person I thought I looked up to?
• How many times a day do I register a mental giggle over the *obviously* ridiculous notions other people hold, actions they take and consequences they suffer?
• Do you have any idea how angry I am almost all the time at those close to me for the ideas they hold, ways in which they behave and stuff they value or don't value?

I do have a few friends. None of them are women. All of them come as close to holding the same core values as me, as it is possible for someone with a different lifestyle. None of them are involved in my life on a daily, weekly, or usually, even monthly basis.

And what I want is to have people I connect with everywhere I look. I fall in love quickly and easily. I crave intimacy and connection. I have no guile, no persona I present to others. For the most part, I enjoy being me, enjoy the company of others, and most of all, enjoy sharing my life with those close to me.

Today I set a goal of being a better human being for the simple purpose of my own happiness.