Positive Discipline Card: Words without action

I recently purchased the Positive Discipline cards iphone app.  Kind of awesome - really - to glance at a card once every day or so to remind myself some of the principles that go forgotten in the midst of the daily chaos.

Today I came upon one that I don't like.  Really, it represents my greatest divergence from Positive Discipline.  The card recommends that I explain consequences that are about to take place to the kids, make sure they understand, and then act "kindly and firmly" but without words. For instance, I might pull the car over while they fight, then read a book silently until they let me know they are ready.

I understand the intent is to create almost natural consequences. They know what they need to do and they can choose to act on it as soon as they have processed everything that is happening.  Sort of like rain - no words, no threats, no pleading, just wet.  Once you decide you've had enough, you get an umbrella, or hide in a cafe.

Only, I am not the rain. I am not impartial, not a fact of nature. I am their mommy, the person that will remain sympathetic, willing to help and teach, always on their side. I will never be one to give them silent treatment. I will not become unmoved by tears, ignore questions, stand by their misery. 

This does not mean, I need to change my mind, be wishy-washy, inconsistent, or in any other way contrary to my main goal of helping them learn to deal with the world, reality and its consequences.  Instead, I can offer comfort if I judge that it is necessary. I can provide tools for problem solving if advice is sought. I can express my feelings if I think, there is confusion about why we are in the current situation. Most importantly, I can express love.  That one is so critical, particularly if we are dealing with something unpleasant and if that thing was created/imposed/influenced by me.  As a child, did you ever imagine how sad your parents would be if you were dead?  "Then they wouldn't do all those bad things they do," you thought if you were anything like me. Alex once told me that he was going to have to go down to the village and get himself a new family because of something I did, or didn't do.

The problem isn't the consequences.  It is the pain of loneliness that comes when you feel, your family is no longer on your side. It is worst when you are aware that no one is particularly angry - they just don't care. They are willing to stand by and watch you cry, look on as your sibling destroys your possessions or even just says hurtful words, walk on despite your apologies as the realization that you screwed up hits you.

My approach would look something more like this:

"I love you so much and I know you are so frustrated! [love and sympathy] I just can't drive the car while you are jumping in your seat. [explanation] And now, after all the stops, we can no longer make it to X and get back home in time for Y. [natural consequences]  What do you say we try again tomorrow? [hope] May be when we get home, we can do Z. [I am always on your side.]

I don't always pull it off.  Sometimes, I do, but only after I apologize for snapping at everyone earlier. But for those mistakes, there are other cards.  :-) And when I do pull it off, I know it is a success, because I am surprised every time how easily the children accept what happened. There is no pain, just a quiet understanding.