I am ashamed of myself for having been absent from my blogs and online generally for so long. Yes, I am unbelievably busy as we just moved and I am juggling unpacking, getting babysitters, handymen, insect killers and all the other things you have to do after you move, with my job, and business concerns and, of course, the kids who - instead of being supportive and appreciative of my labors - are having a hard time adjusting to the new environment. (If this last sentence sounded like I was running out of breath at the end - well, it is a good representation of my days!)
On the other hand, I have two blogs, with an internal commitment of posting at least one post per week - half an hour per post - seriously, can I fail to find one hour a day to dedicate to something this important? YES I CAN!
Yesterday, there was a breaking moment - and things started getting back to normal. Suddenly, after consuming junk food and meals out for two weeks straight, I found the energy to go to the grocery store. Once there, I announced, "That is it! Mommy is back. I'll make you dinner and it'll be amazing, and we'll get back to eating well and feeling good again!" After the trip, we got to frantically setting the table. My husband had said, we had too many wine glasses. No problem! I broke three of them in the process. We had shrimp and edamame and strawberries with whipped cream for dessert.
All of a sudden, half way through this frantic preparation, my lovey-dovey five-year-old was back! Back from the spazz-land he has been at since we moved. He told me, "Mommy, I just feel good all over when you are next to me." And that he felt like I was his girlfriend (quickly following up with questions about whether boys were supposed to have boyfriends.) And this evening, informed Lily that she had to marry him when she grew up, so his whole family would be attached to him.
And I felt different, too. At one point, during that same hectic dinner preparation, I heard myself say, "Damned, Alex! You don't have to get whiny every time some little thing you wanted doesn't work out to your liking! Ahem... Eh... What I mean is... " and the old phrase came back from the recesses of my mind, buried somewhere behind all the boxes, "... sometimes we don't get quite want we want - but things often work out for the best anyway!" I have said this one at least fifty times over the past year. It was as familiar as the finally unpacked old worn out and slightly chipped flatware we were putting on the table...
All along, I knew we were all having a hard time. We were holding on to each other, sometimes whining, sometimes losing our temper, but I have a feeling that all of us understood: it's tough, but we'll get through it. And when we did, it wasn't a surprise, just a relief. The important thing is that at no point did I think, my kids "misbehaved." It's a silly notion, which enables parents to get by without thinking too hard about what's bothering their kids. I gave them leeway, but I can also tell, they gave me some too. The move is not yet behind us, boxes are still everywhere - but it is nice to reflect and notice that we've made it across the toughest peak - and didn't lose perspective in the process.
Objectivist Roundup
Welcome to the June 23, 2011 edition of objectivist round up. This is my first time as the Roundup host, and I would like to share how I came to know the Objectivist Roundup. Long, long time ago, before I started using Facebook, before this blog, I was a stay-at-home mom who wished more than anything else in the world that I would meet a person who was trying to figure out the same things as I was, who wanted to raise her children to be individuals first, treated them with respect, valued their independence, understood the principles of education, and more importantly, wanted to discuss the ideas of parenting as a science and an art. In other words, I was lonely in my new career and I was hoping for a team. Then I discovered the Objectivist Roundup and the community it represents. Parents, doctors, chefs, activists, teachers, people from all walks of life who have chosen to apply their mind and reason to everything in their path. Here they are!
Harsha Vardhan presents Indian "ideal" method of protest posted at Harsha blogs!, saying, "This post observes how altruism plays a role in protests happening in India."
Benjamin Skipper presents You Can Only Hate What's *There* posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "Only existence exists, so when a person claims to be directing their emotions towards attributes that don't exist, then what they're instead targeting is something of another nature."
C.W. presents Inflation Update: Mid 2011 posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "Things are starting to perk up. The waiting time is probably over. What can we expect next? Recession or depression?"
Jared Rhoads presents Sally Pipes on doctors, students, and activism posted at The Lucidicus Project, saying, "Our interview with free-market healthcare advocate Sally Pipes, on the topics of doctors, medical students, and getting active."
Benjamin Skipper presents Defeating Negative Humor posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "I never realized before how negative my style of humor often is. Now I'm determined to alter the habit."
Ari Armstrong presents Rethinking Education Tax Credits posted at Free Colorado, saying, "In replying to an article by Michael LaFerrara, I argue that tax credits, while probably better than vouchers and possibly worth supporting on other grounds, nevertheless retain government control over income and therefore lead to government control of education."
James Hughes presents The Serenity Affirmation posted at Temple of the Human Spirit, saying, ""The rational man has the serenity to accept the things he cannot change, the courage to change the things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference""
Diana Hsieh presents Blogging in Pursuit of Values posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Why I just can't stand to blog the latest horrible political news."
Paul Hsieh presents Obama's Health Care Fallacy posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "My latest OpEd discusses how ObamaCare's "Accountable Care Organizations" are just the latest incarnation of the age-old "central planner fallacy" applied to health care. This one was published at TownHall.com."
David C Lewis, RFA presents What Makes A Good Deal Good? posted at A Revolution In Financial Planning, saying, "People often rave about getting a "good deal." But, is saving money always such a great idea? I discuss the potential paradox of a good deal and why some of the best stuff in life really isn't free."
C.W. presents Are you watching the events in Greece? posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "It is like watching the future through a time machine. It is also like watching Atlas Shrugged, in terms of the downward spiral - there are no heros. Watch and understand the events in Greece and you will be ready for the future of the rest of Europe, and maybe us."
Julia Campbell presents shaved summer squash salad posted at the crankin' kitchen!, saying, "Simple and delicious summer salad of shaved summer squash, crisp greens, and a lemon, garlic, and olive oil dressing."
Roberto Sarrionandia presents Ayn Rand or Jesus: Absolutely posted at Roberto Sarrionandia, saying, "Can Republicans integrate Rand with their religion?"
Mike Zemack presents A “Regulation-Free Zone for Home-Schooling Families” Comes Under Attack in NJ posted at Principled Perspectives, saying, "In a typical pattern, NJ statists have seized upon a couple of brutal instances of child abuse to attempt to extend controls over one of the few bastions of relative freedom in education."
That concludes this edition. Please share this page with your friends! Submit your blog article to the next edition of objectivist round up using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.
Technorati tags: objectivist round up, blog carnival.
Russian words
I was born in Russia and came to the US at sixteen. Though I have chosen not to participate in any Russian community, I speak and read Russian fluently and get to practice while talking to my parents. Despite this, I did not choose to raise my kids bilingual. Instead, I am beginning to teach them Russian as a foreign language. We call our games, "Russian words." They know a few dozen, and we are taking a stab at a new project: a Russian Words video blog. Enjoy the first (I seriously hope, it won't be the last!) edition.
Consequences: instruction in Positive Discipline
Though generally, a Positive Discipline fan, I am extremely wary of consequences. Truly natural consequences, are obviously ok: a child that refused to take a jacket along might as well get wet in the rain. I no longer carry a change of clothes for Lily, so should she choose to get her pants wet on the playground, she gets to play in them and then complain of cold bottom.
But consequences of the form "If you don't pick up after yourself, there won't be TV time" are very difficult for me to say, implement or be consistent about. There is no question that this is me imposing my ability to take things away from a child, using my power over him and whatever force is necessary (the force I have plenty of because I am four times bigger!)
I was further cautioned against the idea when I started hearing Alex try to apply a similar strategy with his little sister. "Lily, if you don't give me this toy, I will take something away from you!" Ouch! As I suddenly pulled back from using "threats" of any sort, he plunged ahead, recognizing their effectiveness. "If you don't do this, I will hit you!" Now I knew, I had to intervene. We had a long talk about bullying: "making another person do what you want by scaring them." He understood and we quickly abandoned this tactic.
I recently wrote about a challenge ahead of us: cleaning up. We are moving into a new home and would like to keep it clean and beautiful. Alex is ready to be able to pick up after himself and will do so when asked with rare exceptions. Offering help will always win his cooperation. Lily... well... let's just say, she discovered, terrible twos are not nearly as much fun as terrible threes over a month early! Right now, she resists any direction she does not like. And because cleaning up is a particularly difficult issue for me to teach, it is charged with emotion and conflict. I have made a decision to introduce some basic consequences in order to prevent conflicts, power struggles and mommy melt downs. So I spoke to Alex, giving him what turned out to be a lesson in logical consequences accessible to a five-year-old.
"Do you remember our discussions about bullying?" I began. "We don't want to scare a person into doing what we want. However, occasionally, there are consequences to one's behavior that we have to point out. I might remind you to get a jacket and explain that the consequence to not doing so is getting wet. In the case of cleaning up your work, well, if we never did so, our house would eventually become so messy, we could not find anything in it, and hate it because we would live in a pig sty. So I might choose to break this big consequence up into smaller ones: no relaxing play time, till your work is done and other things are put away." He said it made sense.
"The idea," I continued the key point, "is that I don't want to scare Lily, I am simply letting her know that there is a problem with failing to do what she needs to." I pointed out some consequences that exist in the adult world, such as late charged. He was beginning to understand the notion, I could tell. "To recognize consequences, you have to keep in mind that they have to make sense. Let's play: bullying or consequence!" He was, of course, delighted.
"If you don't finish your dinner, I won't love you!" "Bullying!" he responded immediately. "Yes, saying I won't love you is never ok. It is always bullying and I would never do that."
"If you don't eat your dinner, there won't be any snacks after." "Consequences!" (We used to be in the habit of eating ten popsicles instead of dinner!)
"Here is a tricky one: if you don't eat your dinner, you cannot have play time." He thought a long time. "Consequence?" I was glad he hesitated. This is a tough one. "Sort of. Remember, I said, consequences had to make sense. What does eating dinner have to do with play time?"
We went through a few more. I explained that he could, too, use consequences, within the scope of things that made sense for him to do. He could tell Lily that if she did not play appropriately with his toy, he would not be willing to share it. That if she did not give him the space he needed, he would go to his room and close the door.
And I added one more important point. "Before resorting to consequences, always try to work it out with simple words: 'Lily, I need more space. Can you please scoot over?' Consequences are about teaching, not scaring. This means, after a while, they become unnecessary as you learn about them. They are predictable, reasonable and respectful."
In the end, Alex got a firm grasp on the idea of logical consequences and how to apply them, but more importantly, so did I!
But consequences of the form "If you don't pick up after yourself, there won't be TV time" are very difficult for me to say, implement or be consistent about. There is no question that this is me imposing my ability to take things away from a child, using my power over him and whatever force is necessary (the force I have plenty of because I am four times bigger!)
I was further cautioned against the idea when I started hearing Alex try to apply a similar strategy with his little sister. "Lily, if you don't give me this toy, I will take something away from you!" Ouch! As I suddenly pulled back from using "threats" of any sort, he plunged ahead, recognizing their effectiveness. "If you don't do this, I will hit you!" Now I knew, I had to intervene. We had a long talk about bullying: "making another person do what you want by scaring them." He understood and we quickly abandoned this tactic.
I recently wrote about a challenge ahead of us: cleaning up. We are moving into a new home and would like to keep it clean and beautiful. Alex is ready to be able to pick up after himself and will do so when asked with rare exceptions. Offering help will always win his cooperation. Lily... well... let's just say, she discovered, terrible twos are not nearly as much fun as terrible threes over a month early! Right now, she resists any direction she does not like. And because cleaning up is a particularly difficult issue for me to teach, it is charged with emotion and conflict. I have made a decision to introduce some basic consequences in order to prevent conflicts, power struggles and mommy melt downs. So I spoke to Alex, giving him what turned out to be a lesson in logical consequences accessible to a five-year-old.
"Do you remember our discussions about bullying?" I began. "We don't want to scare a person into doing what we want. However, occasionally, there are consequences to one's behavior that we have to point out. I might remind you to get a jacket and explain that the consequence to not doing so is getting wet. In the case of cleaning up your work, well, if we never did so, our house would eventually become so messy, we could not find anything in it, and hate it because we would live in a pig sty. So I might choose to break this big consequence up into smaller ones: no relaxing play time, till your work is done and other things are put away." He said it made sense.
"The idea," I continued the key point, "is that I don't want to scare Lily, I am simply letting her know that there is a problem with failing to do what she needs to." I pointed out some consequences that exist in the adult world, such as late charged. He was beginning to understand the notion, I could tell. "To recognize consequences, you have to keep in mind that they have to make sense. Let's play: bullying or consequence!" He was, of course, delighted.
"If you don't finish your dinner, I won't love you!" "Bullying!" he responded immediately. "Yes, saying I won't love you is never ok. It is always bullying and I would never do that."
"If you don't eat your dinner, there won't be any snacks after." "Consequences!" (We used to be in the habit of eating ten popsicles instead of dinner!)
"Here is a tricky one: if you don't eat your dinner, you cannot have play time." He thought a long time. "Consequence?" I was glad he hesitated. This is a tough one. "Sort of. Remember, I said, consequences had to make sense. What does eating dinner have to do with play time?"
We went through a few more. I explained that he could, too, use consequences, within the scope of things that made sense for him to do. He could tell Lily that if she did not play appropriately with his toy, he would not be willing to share it. That if she did not give him the space he needed, he would go to his room and close the door.
And I added one more important point. "Before resorting to consequences, always try to work it out with simple words: 'Lily, I need more space. Can you please scoot over?' Consequences are about teaching, not scaring. This means, after a while, they become unnecessary as you learn about them. They are predictable, reasonable and respectful."
In the end, Alex got a firm grasp on the idea of logical consequences and how to apply them, but more importantly, so did I!
Honesty and politeness
My children often astound adults with their general level of flowery politeness. "I would be delighted!" is Alex's favorite response to being asked to do something by a stranger. "Excuse me, can I pet your dog please?" is Lily's unfailing approach to dog owners. Needless to say, they conquer hearts and become an immediate subject of praise and attention.
I also get a fair number of complaints about their lack of discretion. "Alex said dammed over and over again," called a surprised Montessori teacher who could not make sense of the combination of this seemingly impolite behavior and his usual decorum.
A long time ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts in this blog, raising polite children. Our basic principle is different from most. Children learn to be polite by observing their parents, with no reminders, coaxing or shame. When a polite form is required, but missing, one of the parents may choose to insert it to create a lesson without pressure. "Thank you," I might say to a stranger, who allowed Lily to pet the dog. She hears it, associates it with the circumstance, and not with embarrassment.
My own remark gave me pause. My brain still on auto-pilot so early in the morning, I was expressing my semi-automatic parenting principles, without the kind of thought that usually goes into explicit teaching. No, this statement was self-evident. Seriously, the last thing a parent should want is to teach a child to lie about his feelings in order to get along with others! I was pleased. Sometimes, what you do in that semi-conscious pre-caffeine daze lets you take a peek into your own soul. And sometimes, just sometimes, what you see might surprise and delight you!
I am cautious about politeness as such. I believe, people should work hard to make each other feel as good as possible within the context of their relationship and circumstances. But so often, I find myself completely in the dark about the feelings of those around me because I cannot believe a single flowery word that comes out of their mouth. "How have you been? I was just thinking about you! You know, we should really get together some time soon" should mean, "When would lunch be convenient for you?", not "Hello, you have reached the Smith residence."
Did I create problems for the next time Alex says "dammed" and then refuses to apologize? I figure, with self-confidence borne of proper well-grounded principles will help him figure out how to navigate the social landscape with grace. Perhaps this is why I find teacher phone calls such a wonderful source of amusement!
I also get a fair number of complaints about their lack of discretion. "Alex said dammed over and over again," called a surprised Montessori teacher who could not make sense of the combination of this seemingly impolite behavior and his usual decorum.
A long time ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts in this blog, raising polite children. Our basic principle is different from most. Children learn to be polite by observing their parents, with no reminders, coaxing or shame. When a polite form is required, but missing, one of the parents may choose to insert it to create a lesson without pressure. "Thank you," I might say to a stranger, who allowed Lily to pet the dog. She hears it, associates it with the circumstance, and not with embarrassment.
Lily (well on her way to her terrible threes with the birthday still over a month away) did something annoying and disruptive again, of which I became aware through some complaint or another presented by Alex. "Sorry, Alex!" I said automatically as I was trying to get everything ready to go to school. "Lily, say sorry!" Alex demanded. Lily was silent. "Lily! You have to say sorry!" OK, that's annoying. "Alex, you can't make people feel something they don't," I commented. "Well, but that's what everyone tells us!" I realized, he was referring to those adults in his life who tell him, he must say sorry when he is guilty of a wrong-doing. I realized, I needed to explain. "I know, that a lot of people say, you should apologize regardless of how your feelings. But I disagree. You should say sorry if that's how you feel - but you certainly shouldn't lie!"
My own remark gave me pause. My brain still on auto-pilot so early in the morning, I was expressing my semi-automatic parenting principles, without the kind of thought that usually goes into explicit teaching. No, this statement was self-evident. Seriously, the last thing a parent should want is to teach a child to lie about his feelings in order to get along with others! I was pleased. Sometimes, what you do in that semi-conscious pre-caffeine daze lets you take a peek into your own soul. And sometimes, just sometimes, what you see might surprise and delight you!
I am cautious about politeness as such. I believe, people should work hard to make each other feel as good as possible within the context of their relationship and circumstances. But so often, I find myself completely in the dark about the feelings of those around me because I cannot believe a single flowery word that comes out of their mouth. "How have you been? I was just thinking about you! You know, we should really get together some time soon" should mean, "When would lunch be convenient for you?", not "Hello, you have reached the Smith residence."
Did I create problems for the next time Alex says "dammed" and then refuses to apologize? I figure, with self-confidence borne of proper well-grounded principles will help him figure out how to navigate the social landscape with grace. Perhaps this is why I find teacher phone calls such a wonderful source of amusement!
Starting a new life
As a child, at my mom's encouragement, I used to "start a new life" with every milestone: new school year, new semester, certainly a change in residence. It is a great time to decide to change your habits for the better, when you have an opportunity to clear the slate and start over. Only it never worked out... Turns out, clean slate is not a sufficient condition! Nor is a desire to change. One needs a different plan, a different approach to the things that have been less than successful in the past. Just "trying harder" is rarely the answer.
We are finally moving to Orange County, a beautiful town of Laguna Hills, to have our oldest son start kindergarten at the Van Damme Academy (a small school, which four years ago, has captured our hearts, thoughts, and a registration deposit). We found a beautiful house. I mean, really, amazing! It has enough space for us to relax, enjoy each other and have time to ourselves at the same time. There is small back yard with enough room for a play area, a patio set and even a substantial garden. We have a real fireplace, a beautiful kitchen and even a play room! And now the question is, will we turn this wonderful home into the mess that ours usually becomes?
After a lot of discussion, we are leaning toward the right answer. We are starting a new life! A life in which all things have a place and are put away immediately upon use, just like in a Montessori classroom. It sounds magical! What a great place to call home! No stains on the carpet, no food or toys left around, no clothing trails leading to the kids' bedroom. We are excited, motivated and we have this beautiful space in which to start.
Only... wait! That one other thing: the method. Now, that is the stumbling block... I have tried to implement a system like this just over a year ago, when I decided to set up a Montessori homeschool at home. I gave up for this specific reason: I have no idea how one goes about creating, let alone maintaining an ordered environment! All the Montessori books I have read are less than helpful. They matter-of-factly state "In a Montessori classroom children are expected to take care of their own environment." Duh. Unfortunately, expectations alone do not produce results. Not being well-organized or tidy myself, I have tried for years to work with my kids and focus on putting things away. There have been minor successes. But nothing you'd notice if you came over for a visit... Eventually, I decided that it was not something I was going to ever try again. It was simply not worth the tears, not mine, not my children's.
And now I cannot resist reopening the issue. How do we make it happen? Here are some of my thoughts:
Probably not. Most likely, we take a break for hugs, long enough to feel better. Then decide what would make the experience worth enduring. Music? A fun activity after?
There still needs to be a plan C - what we do after nothing, absolutely nothing, will make this livable. Some parents advocate getting rid of toys (or just storing them away) that don't get picked up. Is that fair when there are two siblings and they share the toys? Obviously, the other one could do it, but if the toys stay available, there is a real problem.
What are your thoughts? How do you tackle the putting things away problem with young children? Do you sigh and do it yourself? Engage the child into a game? And what do you do when everything fails? I appreciate all the thoughts!
We are finally moving to Orange County, a beautiful town of Laguna Hills, to have our oldest son start kindergarten at the Van Damme Academy (a small school, which four years ago, has captured our hearts, thoughts, and a registration deposit). We found a beautiful house. I mean, really, amazing! It has enough space for us to relax, enjoy each other and have time to ourselves at the same time. There is small back yard with enough room for a play area, a patio set and even a substantial garden. We have a real fireplace, a beautiful kitchen and even a play room! And now the question is, will we turn this wonderful home into the mess that ours usually becomes?
After a lot of discussion, we are leaning toward the right answer. We are starting a new life! A life in which all things have a place and are put away immediately upon use, just like in a Montessori classroom. It sounds magical! What a great place to call home! No stains on the carpet, no food or toys left around, no clothing trails leading to the kids' bedroom. We are excited, motivated and we have this beautiful space in which to start.
Only... wait! That one other thing: the method. Now, that is the stumbling block... I have tried to implement a system like this just over a year ago, when I decided to set up a Montessori homeschool at home. I gave up for this specific reason: I have no idea how one goes about creating, let alone maintaining an ordered environment! All the Montessori books I have read are less than helpful. They matter-of-factly state "In a Montessori classroom children are expected to take care of their own environment." Duh. Unfortunately, expectations alone do not produce results. Not being well-organized or tidy myself, I have tried for years to work with my kids and focus on putting things away. There have been minor successes. But nothing you'd notice if you came over for a visit... Eventually, I decided that it was not something I was going to ever try again. It was simply not worth the tears, not mine, not my children's.
And now I cannot resist reopening the issue. How do we make it happen? Here are some of my thoughts:
- Create an unlimited budget for organizational materials (cubbyholes, hooks, baskets, coat racks, etc). Granted, this would not be a large budget: how much can you really spend on something like this? But it would provide some structure and ensure that a solution to any "I can't figure out a place for this item" type problem is only one click and two amazon-prime days away.
- Get a buy-in from the children on the idea of having a nice home. I know, Alex has recognized the negatives, such as his inability to find things, though he has told me, it was worth it to not have to put things away. Still, they adore the new home, and it's a nice time to try.
- I am considering a celebrations/achievements structure. Not the typical reward stuff, but rather a self-congratulatory all-family celebrations that recognize what we have achieved. OC is so amazingly full of places that are fun for families - going out, celebrating, then bringing back a souvenir that goes on some kind of an achievement board may be a wonderful way to mark the difficult journey.
- Using music to help motivate clean-up moments, such as those that happen when stuff is left out beyond what's proper. Having to interrupt one's activity because the mess is left behind can be softened with something fun, upbeat and silly.
- But the bottom line is, somehow, we need to get into the habit of putting every single thing we touch where it goes right after we are done with it... And even more importantly, doing this without losing our positive sense of life or our temper.
Probably not. Most likely, we take a break for hugs, long enough to feel better. Then decide what would make the experience worth enduring. Music? A fun activity after?
There still needs to be a plan C - what we do after nothing, absolutely nothing, will make this livable. Some parents advocate getting rid of toys (or just storing them away) that don't get picked up. Is that fair when there are two siblings and they share the toys? Obviously, the other one could do it, but if the toys stay available, there is a real problem.
What are your thoughts? How do you tackle the putting things away problem with young children? Do you sigh and do it yourself? Engage the child into a game? And what do you do when everything fails? I appreciate all the thoughts!
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