Honesty and politeness

My children often astound adults with their general level of flowery politeness.  "I would be delighted!" is Alex's favorite response to being asked to do something by a stranger.  "Excuse me, can I pet your dog please?" is Lily's unfailing approach to dog owners.  Needless to say, they conquer hearts and become an immediate subject of praise and attention.


I also get a fair number of complaints about their lack of discretion.  "Alex said dammed over and over again," called a surprised Montessori teacher who could not make sense of the combination of this seemingly impolite behavior and his usual decorum.


A long time ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts in this blog, raising polite children. Our basic principle is different from most.  Children learn to be polite by observing their parents, with no reminders, coaxing or shame. When a polite form is required, but missing, one of the parents may choose to insert it to create a lesson without pressure.  "Thank you," I might say to a stranger, who allowed Lily to pet the dog. She hears it, associates it with the circumstance, and not with embarrassment.

Lily (well on her way to her terrible threes with the birthday still over a month away) did something annoying and disruptive again, of which I became aware through some complaint or another presented by Alex.  "Sorry, Alex!" I said automatically as I was trying to get everything ready to go to school.  "Lily, say sorry!" Alex demanded.  Lily was silent.  "Lily! You have to say sorry!"  OK, that's annoying. "Alex, you can't make people feel something they don't," I commented.  "Well, but that's what everyone tells us!" I realized, he was referring to those adults in his life who tell him, he must say sorry when he is guilty of a wrong-doing.  I realized, I needed to explain.  "I know, that a lot of people say, you should apologize regardless of how your feelings.  But I disagree. You should say sorry if that's how you feel - but you certainly shouldn't lie!" 

My own remark gave me pause.  My brain still on auto-pilot so early in the morning, I was expressing my semi-automatic parenting principles, without the kind of thought that usually goes into explicit teaching.  No, this statement was self-evident. Seriously, the last thing a parent should want is to teach a child to lie about his feelings in order to get along with others! I was pleased. Sometimes, what you do in that semi-conscious pre-caffeine daze lets you take a peek into your own soul. And sometimes, just sometimes, what you see might surprise and delight you!

I am cautious about politeness as such. I believe, people should work hard to make each other feel as good as possible within the context of their relationship and circumstances. But so often, I find myself completely in the dark about the feelings of those around me because I cannot believe a single flowery word that comes out of their mouth. "How have you been?  I was just thinking about you! You know, we should really get together some time soon" should mean, "When would lunch be convenient for you?", not "Hello, you have reached the Smith residence."

Did I create problems for the next time Alex says "dammed" and then refuses to apologize? I figure, with self-confidence borne of proper well-grounded principles will help him figure out how to navigate the social landscape with grace. Perhaps this is why I find teacher phone calls such a wonderful source of amusement!