Objectivist Roundup

Russian Father Frost & Snowgirl

Welcome to the New Years Eve edition of objectivist round up. What have you been up to this holiday break?  I come from Russia where Christmas, predictably, was not celebrated, but New Year's was the most special holiday of the year.  Interestingly, traditions surrounding New Year's mirrored the American Christmas very closely.  Instead of Santa Clause, a character from religious stories, we had Father Frost, an old man with a white beard living at the North Pole and together with his daughter, Snowgirl, bringing kids presents. We had a New Year's tree, decorated in much the same way you see in this country, and presents were placed under it. It was also common to hire Father Frost to come to the house and for days approaching New Year's you saw Father Frosts wandering the city, going home to home and making kids delighted with their presence.  I also remember the first time my parents decided I was old enough and failed to hire me a Father Frost. I whined the whole evening, when is Father Frost coming? Finally, my dad decided to solve the dilemma by dressing up as Father Frost himself. I saw through the rouse  quickly and was extremely disappointed...

Russian New Year's tree

As a parent, I decided to avoid the whole thing and have Santa Clause be a fairy tale (a good one!) from the start, with the important parts of Christmas celebration coming from family, love and togetherness. At least that was the hope. The results? On Christmas eve my five-year-old told his aunt in hushed tones: "Aunt Angie, I won't tell my cousins, there is no such thing as Santa Clause. Because I know it is the truth, and I don't need to tell them, because I am right." Ugh... Nonetheless, everyone was grateful as I offered no guarantees of such benevolence!


Martin Lindeskog presents EGO: MORRIS THE CAT REQUIESCAT IN PACE posted at EGO, saying, "I miss Morris the cat. "Requiesce CAT in pace." Listen to the answers to the questions on Dr. Leonard Peikoff's podcast: What was the name of Ayn Rand's cat? Did she talk to it?"


Darius Cooper presents U.S. Economy: Federal Debt- How big is it? posted at Practice Good Theory, saying, "I put together a few graphs to show the size of the U.S. debt (excluding "entitlements" for this post)."


Tony White presents Post 3: Repaying a Teacher: Peikoff’s Horizontal Additions to the Objectivist World View posted at Peripatetic Thoughts, saying, "A tribute Leonard Peikoff's four major additions to the Objectivist world view. Includes a discussion of the connection between Ayn Rand and Ancient Greek man-worship."


Rachel Miner presents Finding Objectivism posted at The Playful Spirit, saying, "Best of 2011: This is the story of my traumatic discovery of Objectivism while I was steeped in religious Jewish culture and visiting concentration camps in Poland. It was so life changing and I can now look back on my honest response to those new ideas with pride. I was 17, yet I was so ideologically devoted to Judaism, it still took me about three years to integrate the results of this experience."


Joseph Kellard presents The American Individualist: Photos: Rockefeller Center at Christmas posted at The American Individualist, saying, "I posted some photos I took that capture the spectacular that is Christmas at Rockefeller Center (and surrounding areas). Enjoy!"


Diana Hsieh presents Civility in the Election Season posted at NoodleFood, saying, "The 2012 election season is already contentious, and here's my policy on maintaining civility."


Rational Jenn presents I am a Productive Mommy posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "I've read about and heard many critiques about my current profession--a stay-at-home full-time parent. In February 2011, I wrote a post that addresses some of these critiques and explains why I think parenting is and should be a selfish, productive endeavor."


Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents How's This for Assimilation? posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Corrections to this post: I miscarried earlier this year, but I'm pregnant again. My new due date is in June. Also, I don't think assimilation should be a requirement for immigrants and is ultimately unimportant in the immigration debate. Obviously, assimilation in some areas, such as language, would be in the best interest of an immigrant, but that's their choice and it's their life, therefore, it should be of no concern to the rest of us."


Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents Who "Pulls Their Own Weight"? posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Santiago takes on a common immigration myth and gets to the real fact of the matter."


Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents Marxist Economics in the Immigration Debate posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Santiago exposes the Marxist economics Conservatives like to use in the immigration debate."


Kelly Elmore presents Reepicheep's Coracle: My Birth Story, Told For the First Time After Seven Years posted at Reepicheep's Coracle, saying, "I chose this post for several reasons. First, I think it is the most powerful piece of writing from this year's blogging. Second, it was the beginning of one of my big triumphs of 2011, moving past pain into healing. This is the year when I became okay after Livy's birth. This was my year of deliverance."


Paul Hsieh presents My iPad and My Hip Fracture posted at NoodleFood, saying, "My "thank you" to Steve Jobs and Apple for their great products."


C.W. presents The Right Way to Solve the Entitlement Problem posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "Why is this my favorite? Well, the subject matter had to do with actually moving toward capitalism and applying Objectivism, rather than discussing principles. I want to revise it some. But on the whole, it is a good efort for a journeyman economist, I think."


Roderick Fitts presents Induction of Aristotle’s Theory of Four Causes posted at Inductive Quest, saying, "One of my best essays on the progression of thinking Aristotle engaged in to induce his theory of four causes--material, efficient, formal, and final."


Roderick Fitts presents Induction of "Reason is Man's Only Means of Gaining Knowledge" posted at Inductive Quest, saying, "My first inductive Objectivism essay without using the "Objectivism Through Induction" course as my training wheels. Enemies of induction, here I come!"


Jenn Casey and Kelly Elmore present Podcast #17: Brainstorming a Parenting Problem posted at Cultivating the Virtues, saying, "One of our favorite podcasts this year features an unscripted brainstorming and problem-solving session about a parenting problem."


David Baucom presents The Ballad of Gary Johnson posted at Cyrano Rises, saying, "To be published in the upcoming January issue of Charlatan Magazine, my article about the campaign and ideas of Gary Johnson and their cultural reception. Draws upon my Q&A sessions and my TOS interview. Written for a mainstream, not Objectivist, audience."

Martin Lindeskog presents "ANNUAL BLOG REPORT IX" posted at EGO saying "I have now been blogging for nine years. Please send me suggestions on how I should celebrate my 10th blogiversary in 2012!"


Trey Givens presents "ALL PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND THEY SUCK AND ARE DUMB AND I HATE THEM ALL FOREVER!" posted at Trey Givens saying "I maintain my optimism in humanity by staying away from it..."


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Jealousy and envy

Alex and I had our Taikwan Do belt tests yesterday, him receiving the next, Yellow, belt, me skipping over it and getting Senior Yellow,  our paths divergent for the first time.

I had fretted much about how to talk to Alex prior to the event.  As I predicted, he was very upset, stating that we should be doing it 'together', that he was extremely unhappy that I would have a different belt from his, and shedding some tears.

Setting it aside for a few days, I set out to explain the general concept. We talked at length, without reference to the situation at our martial arts class, about a person's achievements being his own, that his challenge being only to give his own best.  In addition, we spoke about the pride one might feel at having a loved one accomplish something special, this being independent of one's own accomplishments.  Going through many made-up concretes, and using opportunities from minor circumstances that arose in our day-to-day life  to illustrate the point.

Yesterday, he broke a wooden board with the side of his bare hand, a challenge that every martial artist gets to overcome many times in his career. I was immensely proud of him.  The youngest student in the group, the little tiny five-year-old who had struggled to break the plastic snap-boards in practice, he did the task with focus and efficiency, leaving the audience in awe of his form and skill.  At bed time, we spoke about the experience.  I was so proud of him!  Then I said, "And I got to break the fat board, the kind they have for adults.  He gave me a beaming smile, one full of happiness that, I am sure, mirrored my own.  I was touched.  I said, "Your smile makes me so happy! I shows me how happy you are at something that I did!"  There was a pause.  "Mommy, I want to see your senior yellow belt", he said, still smiling happily. We had not talked about it in a couple of weeks, so not only was he accepting the circumstance, but he chose to bring it up, wanting to see my accomplishment.

Somebody said to me earlier, envy is not innate in children. Probably not, if you define envy to be the desire to destroy the good because it is the good: to want to take away one's value rather than acquire it for oneself.  On the other hand, jealousy is very natural: the wish for another's belongings, success or position in life. Envy is borne of resentment, while jealousy of valuing.

I loved teaching my son about coping with the feelings of jealousy. I think, it is the inability to cope with those feelings that can lead to bitterness, resentment and ultimately envy. Learning to separate another's success from one's own desire for same and being able to set independent goals while being genuinely happy for a friend's achievement is a true virtue, one that enables greatness. I am also proud of him for the ability to process this and come out on top!

Objectivist Roundup

Welcome to the December 1, 2011 edition of objectivist round up. It's Christmas time again! For most of us, it is a time of joy, family and a beautiful tradition. For some a religious holiday, or an opportunity to acquire too many belongings.  For my five year old, it is a time filled with extremely confusing messages coming at him from the general culture. Part of the confusion comes from our family's approach to Santa: though not a real person, he is part of a fairy table that makes Christmas special. Alex becomes confused each year at why his friends don't know the obvious. Each year, he comes up with some new commentary.  "Mommy, daddy, you know, if you had  told me that Santa Clause and Easter Bunny were real, I would still figure it out.  After all, are there any talking rabbits that go around people's houses bringing them eggs?!"

Another gem this year was, "You know, Christmas is just about money," he said with a curled lip, clearly imitating someone he saw lord knows where! "It is?" I countered. "What about family?"  "Oh, that too..." "And the beautiful Christmas tree in our home?" "Right!" "... and celebrating the joy of life with all the Christmas music?" He lit up.  "Mommy, can you play Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer?"

Allrighty then...

Kate Yoak presents Free Market posted at Startup Thermometer, saying, "I was surprised to discover a strong emotional reaction of my own when a contractor felt that the world economy was treating him unfairly.  Here is why I fired him."


David C Lewis, RFA presents 10 Healthy Meals That Probably Won't Break Your Budget | Twin Tier Financial posted at A Revolution In Financial Planning, saying, "10 healthy meals that probably won't break your budget."



Darius Cooper presents von Mises on the Quantity Theory of Money posted at Practice Good Theory, saying, "With M1 booming and the price-level still fairly constrained, I wanted to share von Mises's critique of the Quantity Theory of money."



Joseph Kellard presents Conspiracy Theories and Freedom Don't Mix posted at The American Individualist, saying, "A commentary in the New York Times underscores the corrupt epistemology that permeats Egypt and will thereby undercut any effort at establishing freedom, if one even exists, in that Islamic-dominated nation."



Rachel Miner presents Soaring posted at The Playful Spirit, saying, "A quick post noting my experience of a hot air balloon ride which I had anticipated for about twenty years. (Three pretty pictures are included.)"



Paul Hsieh presents HHS Restrictions on Neurosurgery: Just Don't Call It Rationing posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "Some of the proposed new restrictions on medical care here in America make Canada look good in comparison."



Jared Rhoads presents Twead #15: Political Philosophy, Clearly posted at The Center for Objective Health Policy, saying, "This week we posted assorted notes from the book "Political Philosophy, Clearly" by Anthony de Jasay (Liberty Fund, 2010; 347 pp). Get a flavor of it here."



Benjamin Skipper presents Reintroduction posted at A Giant Doing, saying, "This is the ex-author of the now defunct blog, Musing Aloud. I've decided chocolate reviewing isn't for me, so I want to go back to regular writing, but in order to shake off some unwanted readers I have started a whole new blog."



Paul Hsieh presents Screening For Terrorists vs. Screening For Cancer posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "My latest PJMedia OpEd shows the underlying similarity between two seemingly disparate government approaches to screening for two kinds of dangers."



Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents Budgets Groan: Immigration Law Continues to Hurt, Not Help posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Florida conservatives have a case of NIMBY over a proposed immigration detention center."



Diana Hsieh presents LTE: Campaign Finance Reforms posted at NoodleFood, saying, "My letter to the editor in defense of free speech -- and Scott Gessler's campaign finance reforms -- was published in the Denver Post."



Rational Jenn presents The One About Thanksgiving posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "I wrote this post so that one day I'll remember some of the details of this year's Thanksgiving holiday. It was one of our best yet!"



Edward Cline presents Ambidextrous Statism posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "There is no fundamental difference between the Far Left and the Far Right. They are both totalitarian in nature. Their median is a mushy socialism posing as “Progressive” welfare statism that leaves no whine or grievance left behind. And in all historical cases, the median has always drifted inexorably in one direction or another."



John Drake presents Review: Your Brain at Work posted at Try Reason!, saying, "A review of the book "Your Brain at Work"."



Jason Stotts presents Stolen Paternity posted at Erosophia, saying, "Can paternity be stolen? It turns out that it can."



Atul Kapur presents “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!” in Quotes posted at Wit Lab, saying, "I share my favorite quotes from a book by Richard Feynman. Since he was a physicist, and not a philosopher, I find it remarkable that he held so many unconventional and good ideas."



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Objectivist Roundup

Welcome to the October 27, 2011 edition of objectivist round up. These last few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. I am pouring every ounce of energy I have into my startup, the one that began almost a year ago, and is getting ever closer to overtaking my life. It's been a real challenge to divide my focus between being an active parent and a startup entrepreneur. Can it be done? I am learning that the right answer to this question is, "I have no idea. But it will be." Taking a moment out of my day to review the latest from my fellow objectivists is just what the doctor ordered!


Edward Cline presents Occupy Wall Street: An Axis of Enemies posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "A number of stark contrasts should be noted between the freedom of speech and assembly as practiced by Occupy Wall Street and Pamela Geller."


Ari Armstrong presents In Defense of Income Inequality (In Capitalism) posted at Free Colorado, saying, "In a free society, income inequality is morally just and economically essential. Forced wealth transfers, regardless of the beneficiaries and victims, are morally wrong and economically destructive. This post quotes from and links to my article in The Objective Standard."


Rational Jenn presents The One About the Shooting Range posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "Recently, my husband, oldest son (age 9) and I took a gun class at a local shooting range. And just so you know, I'm a pretty good shot! :D"


Brian Phillips presents An interview with an immigrant posted at IndividualRightsGovernmentWrongs.com, saying, "While conservatives make noises about illegal immigration, they frequently ignore the trials and tribulations that an individual must suffer in order to legally immigrate to America. This interview reveal some of those obstacles."


Paul Hsieh presents Hospital Bill From 1960 posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "How much have medical costs risen in the past 50 years?"


Diana Hsieh presents Video: State Involvement in Marriage posted at NoodleFood, saying, "In Sunday's webcast, I discussed whether and how the state should be involved in marriage -- a crucial issue for the debates about gay marriage."


Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents On Open Immigration, by Guest Blogger Fotis Olympodoros posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Guest blogger, Fotis Olympodoros, contributes this wonderful piece about open immigration to Mother of Exiles."


Joe England presents The Lesser Circumcision Rant: Religion, Parenthood, and Urinary Tract Infections posted at Think Twice.


John Drake presents Thinking Your Way to Productivity posted at Try Reason!, saying, "David Allen's Getting Things Done may have a bit in common with Rand's Art of Non-Fiction. In this post, I examine the possibilities."


Rational Jenn presents Time Travel Tuesday: On Problem-Solving and Choosing Battles and the Virtue of Independence posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "Using kids arguments as an opportunity to teach them something about the virtue of independence."


Kate Yoak presents Getting out of the office: Pain and pleasure posted at Startup Thermometer, saying, "As my business venture moves closer to market launch, I am battling the personal challenge of leaving the comfy home office and speaking to strangers."

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of objectivist round up
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Patience and kindness

"Mommy, I don't think you were nice to Lily. You hurt her feelings," Alex said one particularly stormy afternoon.
"Well, she..." I started and caught myself. Sigh. Why can't I just be perfect?
"You know, you are right. I always try to be kind, but sometimes it's hard and I get impatient. You know, it's actually quite challenging to be a mommy."
"Really?" Hmmm... apparently I make it look easy!
"Yeah. You want to try? When we go to pick up Lily, do what mommy does. Be patient and kind. If she does something wrong, don't get angry. Remember that she is still learning. Teach her how to do it right." 

As Lily's gymnastics class drew to a close, I reminded Alex, "Patient and kind, remember?"
He was ready to give it a try. Lily was in rare form and "patient and kind" turned out to be quite a challenge. But not all was lost.


This conversation gave us a new valuable and interesting tool. Let me point out that a three-year-old sister can drive any five-year-old boy to distraction, no matter how loving and focused he is or how hard he tries.  But now, instead of saying, 

"A L E X!!! Y O U   D O   N O T   H I T  Y O U R   L I T T L E  S I S T E R!!!!!!!"


I can calmly remind him, "Remember, patient and kind, like a mommy!" "Oh... I forgot..." which frequently follows is almost as good as an apology. And I think, this gave him a whole different level of understanding of my job... This is always good... have your little boss empathize with your task.

Preschool due dilligence: naps

A while ago, I wrote about my dismay when I found out that naps were required by law. This was in the beginning of the research that I was doing on preschools for my daughter as we were getting ready to move.  I am happy to report that all was not lost.

Here is what I have learned:

Laws regulating naps tend to be extremely vague and subject to interpretation. This means that implementation will vary county to county and school to school. The spirit of the law is reasonable: children should be provided with the opportunity to nap. This means, don't keep them up because you do not have the space for cots. Good idea, right? In most preschools in Los Angeles, this means a special nap room where kids who still nap go to in order to rest. This is exactly what happened at our old school.  As the child grew older and consistently failed to fall asleep, he was returned to the main room to continue with activities. 


In orange county, the busy-bodies that have the power to fine preschools have declared that, according to the Operations VP at LePort, "If an inspector sees a three-year-old out of bed, we will get fined!" What is this, Argus Filch of Hogwartz?  

Still, some schools have managed to get around it.  In the ten mile radius of our new home, I have found a wide variety of implementations, from a mandatory one-and-a-half hour in-bed period for every child under four, to the basically sane approach of Monarch Bay Montessori, where children who do not nap continue quietly working with Montessori materials in the same room where their peers are napping.  Some of the non-nappers actually spend part of the time helping the younger children fall asleep!  (How delightful to watch them as they stroke their classmates' hair, murmur lullabies and settle them in!)


Needless to say, this is where my daughter goes to school now. Montessori is a child-driven educational philosophy. How destructive it is to the entire environment that the children are forced to stay in bed when their bodies do not require it! To all those schools I spoke to I say - come and look at the successful classroom that Monarch Bay has put together! You probably have a lot more to learn than nap time.  Their attitude toward the children precludes forcing them to nap, but it naturally goes far beyond that. I've been delighted with our experience so far, with how smoothly the adjustment has gone for my child and her peers - compared to what I have seen elsewhere.


And to the parents who are invariably finding my last blog post on the subject of naps as they desperately search for information about what to do, I advise: keep looking. You will find a school with a sane practice - and you will likely find that it is a better school in most other ways as well.  Best of luck to you!

Objectivist Roundup

Please enjoy the newest edition of the Objectivist Roundup! It is embarassingly late - my apologies to the authors.  Having spent the day driving around LA with two kids, a Russian-speaking grandfather and a computer hidden under the passenger seat, I not only failed to post it on time, but fell asleep at my desk last night as I started putting it together! Perhaps somebody needs a break. Let this edition serve as an excuse for you to do the same and enjoy!

Burgess Laughlin presents Mysticism in the Qur'an posted at The Main Event, saying, "Ideas cause human actions. The ideas of Islam lead to actions -- some of which are directed against those of us who are infidels. Second in the series of notes on reading the Qur'an, this post identifies the forms and role of mysticism as a source of ideas in the Qur'an."


Diana Hsieh presents Gary Johnson: Don't Waste the Opportunity posted at NoodleFood, saying, "I don't want to waste the opportunity represented by Gary Johnson's bid to become the GOP nominee for president."


Keith Weiner presents The Fed's Decision: "Operation Twist" posted at keithweiner's posterous
, saying "The Fed decided this week to further interfere with the markets. "Operation Twist" is designed to lower the rate of interest on longer-duration Treasury bonds. It will do many things, none of them good."

Rational Jenn and Kelly Elmore present Podcast #21: When Temperaments Clash! posted at Cultivating the Virtues, Our latest podcast features an example of mutual problem-solving with someone outside of our family (a babysitter), more discussion about temperaments and how to manage the conflicts that arise in part because of temperament, and whether it's okay for parents to play "good cop/bad cop" with their kids. Thanks for listening!"

Ari Armstrong presents Health Responsibility (In My PJs) posted at Free Colorado, saying "If somebody gets sick without health insurance, "should society just let him die?" No, but that doesn't mean he should get a free ride, either, or that others should be forced to pay up. What are the real answers to today's problems in health care?"

Rational Jenn presents Time Travel Tuesday: Limiting Myself posted at Rational Jenn, saying "A post about one of my favorite parenting tools, Decide What You Will Do, and why using it helps me remember to be the rational egoist I want to be."

Jason Stotts presents Sexual Distinctions: Candaulism, Cuckold, Threesomes posted at Erosophia, saying "Non-monogamy is a big place. In this essay, I draw some distinctions that might help to clarify things a little."

Mike LaFerrara presents Obamanomics and the Ghost of Title 2 posted at Principled Perspectives, saying "Obama’s attempt to expand government’s intrusion into the hiring policies of private business through his new “American Jobs Act” is rooted in the legal and philosophical precedents established in the Civil Rights Act of 1964."

Jim Woods presents Taxing Congress posted at Words by Woods, saying "Offering a modest proposal to tax congressional pay; which we can call the Incompetence Tax"

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Objectivist Roundup

Have you noticed, the summer is almost over? The regular TV season is about to start, the TV producers begging us to pity the protagonist, sacrifice ourselves for those in greater need, condemn those who produce, celebrate the ones that speak for the people. Our kids are going back to school and bring back ideas such as, "If you don't take care of the earth, the earth will die!  It's the truth!" (an idea my three-year-old holds onto for dear life.) And the guilt associated with recognizing one's own selfishness: "Mommy, I am a little selfish... Isn't that a bad thing?" (Brought to you by a thoughtful five-year-old Alex.) In-between all of that, we manage to hold on to reason, teach our kids to set goals and achieve their dreams, collaborate with others, finding the virtue, which makes human cooperation possible in each person we encounter - and when the day is over and we slump in exhaustion on the couch, we are often surprised to find that there is much good in the arts as well: someone will take the heroic place of Jack Bower, the never-ending search for the truth continues on House, and evil continues being ultimately impotent on Criminal Minds.  So relax, grab a glass of wine, and enjoy this edition of the Objectivist Roundup!


Edward Cline presents Hillary Clinton Auditions for Lady Macbeth posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, a woman scorned, first by her husband former President Bill, who favored swishier skirts and less nagging, and then by the Democrat machine in favor of a nobody from nowhere during the 2008 election, finds every little opportunity to vent her wrath on her own country."
Mike Zemack presents Education Tax Credits: Taking the Political Offensive posted at Principled Perspectives, saying, "85-90% of America’s K-12 education is government-run. Can a complete separation of education and state be achieved through incremental free market reforms directed over time at the heart of that institution? Or, are such efforts doomed by the intermediate threat of statist inroads into the private school sector, leaving the public school sector essentially off limits to major political challenge unless and until the ideal of free market education can be achieved in a single sweeping transformation?"
Edward Cline presents The Light That Must Not Fail posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "Not even the most ardent anti-jihadist would portray Muslims in the frank and objective terms that Winston Churchill did. He did not flinch from the evidence of his eyes. He did not search for some “saving grace” in Islam or in a Muslim that would forego a blanket condemnation of Islam"
C.W. presents Self-Fulfilling Fantasies: US Treasury Bonds posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "US Treasury Bonds were downgraded, so what happened? Their price went up. You ask, "Why? How does this make sense?" Context. It is understandable, but revealing, and not good."
Diana Hsieh presents Ancestral Health Symposium: My Experience posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Here's my report on my fabulous experience at the "Ancestral Health Symposium.""
Kate Yoak presents On Social Security posted at Parenting is..., saying, "We were talking about social security. Despite the myth, there is no easy way to get out of paying the tax. Alex (5) walked in at the end of the discussion and here is the story of what I told him and what he learned."
Ari Armstrong presents New Harry Potter Essay on Religion posted at Free Colorado, saying, "Are the Harry Potter novels fundamentally Christian works? Here I counter claims that they are."
Jason Stotts presents Pornography posted at Erosophia, saying, "Pornography is good for you, but it can also create unrealistic expectations."
Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents Tell President Obama: Stop Separating Our Families! posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "A US citizen and AIDS patient may see his spouse and caregiver deported later this month. Please sign this petition and tell our government to stop this atrocious rights violation!"
Rational Jenn presents Morgan's Things I Want to Do and Learn List posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "It's the time of year when I'm making homeschool plans with my kids. This post is the list my six-year-old daughter came up with. I think such a list is a great way to help her stay on track with the pursuit of her values, and it helps me know how I can help her, too."
C.W. presents FOUR BOOKS: One Great, Two Good, One to Avoid posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "These are brief comments about four books I have recently read (or am currently studying in the case of Dr. Buechner's book). Three are worth reading and are recommended." 

That concludes this edition. (Time to get more wine!) Submit your blog article to the next edition of objectivist round up using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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On Social Security

      "Would you like me to tell you what we were talking about?" I said to Alex. "Sure!" So I began...


      "One day, you will get old, just like Granny, and you won't be able to have a job any more. Or at least, not a job you would like. Because it'll just be too hard, because you are too old and your health isn't so good." "Right!" he said enthusiastically.
      "So what will you do for food?  Where will you get the money?"  "You would.. No... My ... family, my kids will help me!"
      "Yeah, that's a good thought! Your family would take care of you when you are old! OK, let's suppose, you don't have any kids.  Like our friend Mike. What would you do then?" "Mmm... I don't know..."
     "Well, think about it, if you were to give Mike advice for what to do, what would you say?"
     "Make so much money that there is enough left over!" Alex was quick to come up with a rather reasonable solution.
     "Right, so perhaps a good idea is to put away a little money every month your whole life and then you will have enough that you won't need to worry."  


Ok, so we got the concept of retirement.  Now to the heart of the matter...


      "What about those people who didn't plan ahead? Didn't save any money? Now they can't work and don't have enough to eat.  What would they do?" "Ask neighbors to help?"
      "Yeah, great idea. People do tend to help each other. There are lots of organizations whose business it to help people find help from each other.  They are called charities. But our government has come up with another approach.  Basically, young people save money, just like we talked, but instead of saving it in their own account, they give it to the government.  The government in turn pays it out to the old people. Now when the young people get old, the new young people would be giving money to the government to pay them. So it kind of works, right?" "Yeah! It rolls over and over and over!" Clearly, Alex saw the concept in his mind, and it sounded just as good as it did to the FDR generation.
      "There are a couple of problems with this approach.  First, what happens if there are more old people than young ones?"  "Oh..." "And there is a bigger one. See, you might decide that you can do better at managing your old age money than the government and have more money in the end. So shouldn't you get to decide, you would prefer not to pay the government, but do it on your own instead?"  "Yes, of course! I can do it better, I am sure!" "But then who would put in the money to pay people that are old?" "Well, not everyone would decide to do it on their own!" "Hmm... if you think you can do it better, don't you suppose, most of your friends would too?" "Yeah..." "So all of you would tell the government, you can't control my heart! I am doing it on my own!"  (You can't control my heart is Alex's favorite  expression, which means, he gets to make decisions that concern his own self.) "But the government doesn't have enough money to pay the old people. So they say, 'Yes we can!' And you say, 'No, you can't!' And they say, 'Yes, we can, it's the law!' Doesn't that hurt your feelings?"
        "Yeah... I wish they didn't decide to do that. I wish, they didn't have this law and this program... I wish, I could manage my own money!"


        "And that, my dear child, is what daddy and I were just talking about... It makes us sad that we don't have a choice."  "Can I play on your computer, mom?"


Heh... life clearly goes on! For Alex, and for the rest of us...

Domestic nudity

A conversation recently sprung up. Is public nudity OK? Should it be banned? Is it ok for parents to run around naked with each other? Is it ok to be uncomfortable with public display?

I have happened to pick a path on this issue that disagrees more or less with every camp. Yet, it seems so simple and straightforward, so obvious, natural and easy - it surprises me that I am quite so unique. So here you go.

Point one. Public nudity is impolite. Your behavior in public, generally, is a matter of politeness. You act in accordance with your culture's customs in a way that is considerate of what others will find comfortable, when this is not in conflict with your values. This means, you say hello when you walk into a room, shake hands without immediately pulling a tissue out of your purse Monk-style, cover your mouth when you cough, refrain from taking screaming infants into an evening movie and excuse yourself if you need to answer a phone call. Politeness, however, does not require you to give up things that are important. You do not refrain from breastfeeding your child regardless of the stares, nor are you obligated to stop and pick out an appropriate outfit prior to running out of a burning building. As I tell my children, "We do not go out naked in public, because it is rude. It is only ok if we are certain that the people around us don't mind."

Point two. Casual nudity within the family is natural.  In my childhood home, the custom was the same as in most: same-gender nudity was ok, opposite gender strictly prohibited. The result? My first encounter with a penis was a copy of PlayGirl my friends picked up at a train station in Germany. I was horrified at the deformed-looking hairy appendage. My second? My own boyfriend. While it was slightly better, I tried to avert my eyes. It took me years, a lot of thought and reading, before I could be comfortable seeing that particular portion of male anatomy. My own body? Not much better. I was mortified at the thought of somebody seeing my underpants. An occasion of that sort at the age of twelve caused me become violent toward an classmate.

One's body is not to be ashamed of, not to be hidden for "a special occasion", nor flaunted as it is in a brothel. It should be comfortable and natural with those closest to us. I do not walk around naked at home.  It is not hygienic, too cold and my butt sticks to furniture. I do not, however, try to hide my body from my children, when I am getting dressed or walking out of the shower. What is the only possible message I can send to them if I swiftly cover up my breasts when they walk in on me changing? Shame and embarrassment on my own part, to be reflected on theirs.


We have a boy and a girl, both well-familiar with each other's anatomy, sharing a bath and frequently a bed. They know what is there, what it is for, and there are no questions, which remain. They run around naked when they feel like it, but get dressed unfailingly to greet strangers.


Point three. A law banning public nudity is reasonable, but probably harmful.  As Ayn Rand points out, there is a "need to protect people from being confronted with sights they regard as loathsome." It is probably legitimate to argue that I should not be afraid to come to my front porch and be assaulted with the sight of the neighbor's testicles.  However, such a law is likely to do more harm than good.  People should demand fewer laws and learn to talk to each other more. "Dammed, George, I please put away your treasures!"

Point four. Strong discomfort with the sight of nudity is an indication of a mistake.  I would argue that if you abhor all nudity outside of a sexual connotation, you probably have a mistaken sense of body shame. Why do you dislike it so?  "Because it should be private" isn't a sufficient reason for the visceral "Oh my god!" we tend to experience. This is a reaction of shame and guilt, of recognition that you are party to something that should not be. When you accidentally walk in on somebody changing and spend the rest of the day disturbed, something is off. On the other hand, "I did not want to see that shriveled thing peeking out from under the giant gut, YUCK!" may be a perfectly healthy reaction, akin to "Ewe, dog poop!" But notice that no legislature is required in this case.

This is the key reason for my emphasis on point number two: casual nudity within the family. Body shame is a horrid, vile problem we settle our children with (and most of us inherited from our parents). A good sense of politeness, with the self-confidence and healthy psychology are all that we need to have a healthy society with a proper outlook on nudity.

Am I as alone as I think?  What do you do? Do you disagree with me? Don't be too shy to post a comment.

Objectvist Roundup

Welcome to the July 28, 2011 edition of objectivist round up. Please enjoy the recent posts by Objectivists on a variety of subjection from rational parenting to objective art, proper politics, sports, science and more. One might classify a collection of Objectivist Roundup posts as an overview of applying reason to every endeavor in life. I highly recommend browsing these posts whether you consider yourself an Objectivist, would like to know more about it - or are wondering what all the noise is about. If you value reason and rationality, you might discover that whether or not you agree with all the ideas, much of what you encounter will hit so close to home, you'll want to know more.  Any blogger on this list is likely to respond to any question about their ideas and approaches.

[UPDATE] I was mortified to find out that after my glowing recommendation of the posts and bloggers, I was alerted to the fact that nearly a third on the first go-around were spammers! This reminded me that the primary job of a carnival host is to ensure that all the posts do in fact come from objectivists (and certainly not from lead generation companies!).  Have no fear.  Everything below is now valid.

Enjoy!

Jennifer Snow presents Limitless posted at Literatrix, saying, "A discussion of the underlying theme of the movie Limitless."
Edward Cline presents The Oslo Factor: Blame Free Speech posted at The Rule of Reason, saying, "The horrific attack in Oslo, Norway last Friday, in which 84 Norwegian youths were mercilessly gunned down by Anders Behring Breivik, a psychotic Norwegian Christian fundamentalist and anti-Muslim who also allegedly planted a devastating and lethal bomb in central Oslo, has produced an “Islamaphobic” fall-guy, made to order for the part."
Benjamin Skipper presents Dragon Ball Z as it Parallels to America posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "I love Dragon Ball Z for its awesome portrayal of good and evil: how the villains are cool, the heroes *actually* admirable, and the victories in the end overwhelmingly in the favor of good. Recently I've realized that the three different parts of the series actually reflect America's history and current affairs in uncanny ways."
Tod presents The Hockey Project posted at Tod.FM, saying, "Can a small, non-athletic geek become a hockey hotshot in 10,000 hours?"
Kelly Elmore presents Guilt About Traveling Without Livy posted at Reepicheep's Coracle, saying, "In this post, I talk about mommy guilt and reason my way out of "perfect parent syndrome" and into a selfish enjoyment of my own values."
Kelly Elmore presents ATLOSCon Survey for People Who DIDN'T Go posted at Reepicheep's Coracle, saying, "If you heard of our mini-conference ATLOSCon, maybe even considered going, but didnt, we'd love to hear why you didn't come. We hope getting more information will help us improve ATLOSCon for everyone. And its a REALLY SHORT survey."
Paul Hsieh presents The Limits of Comparative Effectiveness Research posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "Why "Comparative Effectiveness Research" (CER) is dangerous when policy-makers use it to treat all patients as "average"."
Rational Jenn presents On Minilectures posted at Rational Jenn, saying, "A "minilecture" is one part statement of the obvious and one part "I told you so." Minilectures can insult a child's intelligence and can set parents and child up for a battle. I offer a couple of alternatives to minilectures--a good reminder for myself because I minilecture my kids too often!"
Rational Jenn presents Podcast #16: Our Favorite Books for Kids posted at Jenn Casey and Kelly Elmore, saying, "Kelly and Jenn have a new podcast in which they talk EXTENSIVELY and ENTHUSIASTICALLY about their favorite books for kids. And more! Don't miss it!"
David Masten presents If you don't read this, I swear I'll...On the Non-Aggression Principle posted at Blazing Truth, saying, "An light-hearted analysis of the non-initiation of force, and why it is rationally immoral."
Scott Connery presents CBO: Boehner's Plan Only Cuts 2012 Deficit by $1 Billion posted at Rational Public Radio, saying, "o far, speaker Boehner's performance in the budget battle has been mixed. That's the best that can be said about it really. Not too long ago, we witnessed the terribly embarrassing budget cut debacle. He pushed for the "huge" cuts of 100 billion, which got lowered to 36 billion, which the CBO finally revealed to be a mere 353 Million. His "massive" budget cut that he "fought so hard to get" was less than .01% of the Federal budget. Color me unimpressed."
Santiago and Kelly Valenzuela presents Who "Pulls Their Own Weight"? posted at Mother of Exiles, saying, "Santiago writes about the problems with the welfare state and puts the blame where it belongs rather than on immigrants."
David C Lewis, RFA presents Are You In Control Of Your Investments? | Twin Tier Financial posted at A Revolution In Financial Planning, saying, "Are investors rational? Do they need an external authority (i.e. a financial planner) to take control over their investment portfolio?"
Diana Hsieh presents Evolutionary Theory: Fact Versus Faith posted at NoodleFood, saying, "What do American students learn about evolutionary theory today? Alas, far less than they ought."

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of objectivist round up using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.    


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I am a little selfish

"Mommy, I am a little selfish sometimes,"  said Alex.  I knew that he was struggling with the internal conflict caused by the culture he is embedded in, their attempts to teach him that he ought to live a life of sacrifice rather than pursuing values, though not quite successful, resulting in a predictable turmoil.

"Tell me about it!" I said cheerfully.  "Well, I am selfish about my special Smurf," he continued.  "And my penguin pillow." Alex was enumerating things of personal value and significance within eyesight.  "Oh yeah?  Well, me too!" I added, not letting on anything was amiss. "I am selfish about my beautiful new house! And my newly painted bright-yellow car, and, of course, my special special babies!" I leaned over to his bed and we took a moment to giggle and cuddle together.


"Eh, mom, so what does selfish mean?" My point hit home. Now he needed to know more. "It means, caring for yourself and things that matter to you."

From there, it was easy sailing.  He was relieved at having been granted the option to pursue his values, and I took the opportunity to illustrate the difference between selfishness, self-absorption, and hedonism. "One more thing," I said. "You know, if you care for yourself, it doesn't mean you always do whatever you feel like.  Sometimes you have to decide what's more important, the thing you want right now, or what it's going to do to your life. If you care for yourself, your life is important, right?" We talked about balancing short-term and long-term values, caring for people in our lives, making each other happy and how that ties back to caring for oneself.


Mommy one. Immanuel Kant zero. But who is counting?

Moving and surviving

I am ashamed of myself for having been absent from my blogs and online generally for so long. Yes, I am unbelievably busy as we just moved and I am juggling unpacking, getting babysitters, handymen, insect killers and all the other things you have to do after you move, with my job, and business concerns and, of course, the kids who  - instead of being supportive and appreciative of my labors - are having a hard time adjusting to the new environment.  (If this last sentence sounded like I was running out of breath at the end - well, it is a good representation of my days!) 

On the other hand, I have two blogs, with an internal commitment of posting at least one post per week - half an hour per post - seriously, can I fail to find one hour a day to dedicate to something this important?  YES I CAN! 


Yesterday, there was a breaking moment - and things started getting back to normal.  Suddenly, after consuming junk food and meals out for two weeks straight, I found the energy to go to the grocery store.  Once there, I announced, "That is it!  Mommy is back.  I'll make you dinner and it'll be amazing, and we'll get back to eating well and feeling good again!" After the trip, we got to frantically setting the table.  My husband had said, we had too many wine glasses.  No problem!  I broke three of them in the process.  We had shrimp and edamame and strawberries with whipped cream for dessert. 

All of a sudden, half way through this frantic preparation, my lovey-dovey five-year-old was back! Back from the spazz-land he has been at since we moved.  He told me, "Mommy, I just feel good all over when you are next to me."  And that he felt like I was his girlfriend (quickly following up with questions about whether boys were supposed to have boyfriends.) And this evening, informed Lily that she had to marry him when she grew up, so his whole family would be attached to him.


And I felt different, too.  At one point, during that same hectic dinner preparation, I heard myself say, "Damned, Alex! You don't have to get whiny every time some little thing you wanted doesn't work out to your liking!  Ahem... Eh... What I mean is... " and the old phrase came back from the recesses of my mind, buried somewhere behind all the boxes, "... sometimes we don't get quite want we want - but things often work out for the best anyway!"  I have said this one at least fifty times over the past year.  It was as familiar as the finally unpacked old worn out and slightly chipped flatware we were putting on the table...


All along, I knew we were all having a hard time. We were holding on to each other, sometimes whining, sometimes losing our temper,  but I have a feeling that all  of us understood: it's tough, but we'll get through it. And when we did, it wasn't a surprise, just a relief. The important thing is that at no point did I think, my kids "misbehaved." It's a silly notion, which enables parents to get by without thinking too hard about what's bothering their kids.  I gave them leeway, but I can also tell, they gave me some too. The move is not yet behind us, boxes are still everywhere - but it is nice to reflect and notice that we've made it across the toughest peak - and didn't lose perspective in the process.

Objectivist Roundup

Welcome to the June 23, 2011 edition of objectivist round up. This is my first time as the Roundup host, and I would like to share how I came to know the Objectivist Roundup. Long, long time ago, before I started using Facebook, before this blog, I was a stay-at-home mom who wished more than anything else in the world that I would meet a person who was trying to figure out the same things as I was, who wanted to raise her children to be individuals first, treated them with respect, valued their independence, understood the principles of education, and more importantly, wanted to discuss the ideas of parenting as a science and an art. In other words, I was lonely in my new career and I was hoping for a team. Then I discovered the Objectivist Roundup and the community it represents. Parents, doctors, chefs, activists, teachers, people from all walks of life who have chosen to apply their mind and reason to everything in their path. Here they are!

Harsha Vardhan presents Indian "ideal" method of protest posted at Harsha blogs!, saying, "This post observes how altruism plays a role in protests happening in India."

Benjamin Skipper presents You Can Only Hate What's *There* posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "Only existence exists, so when a person claims to be directing their emotions towards attributes that don't exist, then what they're instead targeting is something of another nature."

C.W. presents Inflation Update: Mid 2011 posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "Things are starting to perk up. The waiting time is probably over. What can we expect next? Recession or depression?"

Jared Rhoads presents Sally Pipes on doctors, students, and activism posted at The Lucidicus Project, saying, "Our interview with free-market healthcare advocate Sally Pipes, on the topics of doctors, medical students, and getting active."

Benjamin Skipper presents Defeating Negative Humor posted at Musing Aloud, saying, "I never realized before how negative my style of humor often is. Now I'm determined to alter the habit."

Ari Armstrong presents Rethinking Education Tax Credits posted at Free Colorado, saying, "In replying to an article by Michael LaFerrara, I argue that tax credits, while probably better than vouchers and possibly worth supporting on other grounds, nevertheless retain government control over income and therefore lead to government control of education."

James Hughes presents The Serenity Affirmation posted at Temple of the Human Spirit, saying, ""The rational man has the serenity to accept the things he cannot change, the courage to change the things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference""

Diana Hsieh presents Blogging in Pursuit of Values posted at NoodleFood, saying, "Why I just can't stand to blog the latest horrible political news."

Paul Hsieh presents Obama's Health Care Fallacy posted at We Stand FIRM, saying, "My latest OpEd discusses how ObamaCare's "Accountable Care Organizations" are just the latest incarnation of the age-old "central planner fallacy" applied to health care. This one was published at TownHall.com."

David C Lewis, RFA presents What Makes A Good Deal Good? posted at A Revolution In Financial Planning, saying, "People often rave about getting a "good deal." But, is saving money always such a great idea? I discuss the potential paradox of a good deal and why some of the best stuff in life really isn't free."

C.W. presents Are you watching the events in Greece? posted at Krazy Economy, saying, "It is like watching the future through a time machine. It is also like watching Atlas Shrugged, in terms of the downward spiral - there are no heros. Watch and understand the events in Greece and you will be ready for the future of the rest of Europe, and maybe us."

Julia Campbell presents shaved summer squash salad posted at the crankin' kitchen!, saying, "Simple and delicious summer salad of shaved summer squash, crisp greens, and a lemon, garlic, and olive oil dressing."

Roberto Sarrionandia presents Ayn Rand or Jesus: Absolutely posted at Roberto Sarrionandia, saying, "Can Republicans integrate Rand with their religion?"

Mike Zemack presents A “Regulation-Free Zone for Home-Schooling Families” Comes Under Attack in NJ posted at Principled Perspectives, saying, "In a typical pattern, NJ statists have seized upon a couple of brutal instances of child abuse to attempt to extend controls over one of the few bastions of relative freedom in education."

That concludes this edition. Please share this page with your friends! Submit your blog article to the next edition of objectivist round up using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

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Russian words

I was born in Russia and came to the US at sixteen. Though I have chosen not to participate in any Russian community, I speak and read Russian fluently and get to practice while talking to my parents. Despite this, I did not choose to raise my kids bilingual.  Instead, I am beginning to teach them Russian as a foreign language.  We call our games, "Russian words."  They know a few dozen, and we are taking a stab at a new project: a Russian Words video blog.  Enjoy the first (I seriously hope, it won't be the last!) edition.

Consequences: instruction in Positive Discipline

Though generally, a Positive Discipline fan, I am extremely wary of consequences. Truly natural consequences, are obviously ok: a child that refused to take a jacket along might as well get wet in the rain. I no longer carry a change of clothes for Lily, so should she choose to get her pants wet on the playground, she gets to play in them and then complain of cold bottom.
 
But consequences of the form "If you don't pick up after yourself, there won't be TV time" are very difficult for me to say, implement or be consistent about. There is no question that this is me imposing my ability to take things away from a child, using my power over him and whatever force is necessary (the force I have plenty of because I am four times bigger!)

I was further cautioned against the idea when I started hearing Alex try to apply a similar strategy with his little sister.  "Lily, if you don't give me this toy, I will take something away from you!" Ouch! As I suddenly pulled back from using "threats" of any sort, he plunged ahead, recognizing their effectiveness. "If you don't do this, I will hit you!" Now I knew, I had to intervene.  We had a long talk about bullying: "making another person do what you want by scaring them." He understood and we quickly abandoned this tactic.

I recently wrote about a challenge ahead of us: cleaning up.  We are moving into a new home and would like to keep it clean and beautiful. Alex is ready to be able to pick up after himself and will do so when asked with rare exceptions. Offering help will always win his cooperation.  Lily... well... let's just say, she discovered, terrible twos are not nearly as much fun as terrible threes over a month early! Right now, she resists any direction she does not like. And because cleaning up is a particularly difficult issue for me to teach, it is charged with emotion and conflict.  I have made a decision to introduce some basic consequences in order to prevent conflicts, power struggles and mommy melt downs. So I spoke to Alex, giving him what turned out to be a lesson in logical consequences accessible to a five-year-old.

 "Do you remember our discussions about bullying?" I began. "We don't want to scare a person into doing what we want.  However, occasionally, there are consequences to one's behavior that we have to point out.  I might remind you to get a jacket and explain that the consequence to not doing so is getting wet. In the case of cleaning up your work, well, if we never did so, our house would eventually become so messy, we could not find anything in it, and hate it because we would live in a pig sty. So I might choose to break this big consequence up into smaller ones: no relaxing play time, till your work is done and other things are put away."  He said it made sense.

"The idea," I continued the key point, "is that I don't want to scare Lily, I am simply letting her know that there is a problem with failing to do what she needs to." I pointed out some consequences that exist in the adult world, such as late charged. He was beginning to understand the notion, I could tell. "To recognize consequences, you have to keep in mind that they have to make sense.  Let's play: bullying or consequence!"  He was, of course, delighted.

"If you don't finish your dinner, I won't love you!"  "Bullying!" he responded immediately.  "Yes, saying I won't love you is never ok.  It is always bullying and I would never do that."

"If you don't eat your dinner, there won't be any snacks after." "Consequences!" (We used to be in the habit of eating ten popsicles instead of dinner!)


"Here is a tricky one: if you don't eat your dinner, you cannot have play time."  He thought a long time.  "Consequence?" I was glad he hesitated.  This is a tough one.  "Sort of. Remember, I said, consequences had to make sense.  What does eating dinner have to do with play time?"  

We went through a few more. I explained that he could, too, use consequences, within the scope of things that made sense for him to do. He could tell Lily that if she did not play appropriately with his toy,  he would not be willing to share it. That if she did not give him the space he needed, he would go to his room and close the door.


And I added one more important point.  "Before resorting to consequences, always try to work it out with simple words: 'Lily, I need more space. Can you please scoot over?' Consequences are about teaching, not scaring. This means, after a while, they become unnecessary as you learn about them. They are predictable, reasonable and respectful." 

In the end, Alex got a firm grasp on the idea of logical consequences and how to apply them, but more importantly, so did I!

Honesty and politeness

My children often astound adults with their general level of flowery politeness.  "I would be delighted!" is Alex's favorite response to being asked to do something by a stranger.  "Excuse me, can I pet your dog please?" is Lily's unfailing approach to dog owners.  Needless to say, they conquer hearts and become an immediate subject of praise and attention.


I also get a fair number of complaints about their lack of discretion.  "Alex said dammed over and over again," called a surprised Montessori teacher who could not make sense of the combination of this seemingly impolite behavior and his usual decorum.


A long time ago, I wrote one of my favorite posts in this blog, raising polite children. Our basic principle is different from most.  Children learn to be polite by observing their parents, with no reminders, coaxing or shame. When a polite form is required, but missing, one of the parents may choose to insert it to create a lesson without pressure.  "Thank you," I might say to a stranger, who allowed Lily to pet the dog. She hears it, associates it with the circumstance, and not with embarrassment.

Lily (well on her way to her terrible threes with the birthday still over a month away) did something annoying and disruptive again, of which I became aware through some complaint or another presented by Alex.  "Sorry, Alex!" I said automatically as I was trying to get everything ready to go to school.  "Lily, say sorry!" Alex demanded.  Lily was silent.  "Lily! You have to say sorry!"  OK, that's annoying. "Alex, you can't make people feel something they don't," I commented.  "Well, but that's what everyone tells us!" I realized, he was referring to those adults in his life who tell him, he must say sorry when he is guilty of a wrong-doing.  I realized, I needed to explain.  "I know, that a lot of people say, you should apologize regardless of how your feelings.  But I disagree. You should say sorry if that's how you feel - but you certainly shouldn't lie!" 

My own remark gave me pause.  My brain still on auto-pilot so early in the morning, I was expressing my semi-automatic parenting principles, without the kind of thought that usually goes into explicit teaching.  No, this statement was self-evident. Seriously, the last thing a parent should want is to teach a child to lie about his feelings in order to get along with others! I was pleased. Sometimes, what you do in that semi-conscious pre-caffeine daze lets you take a peek into your own soul. And sometimes, just sometimes, what you see might surprise and delight you!

I am cautious about politeness as such. I believe, people should work hard to make each other feel as good as possible within the context of their relationship and circumstances. But so often, I find myself completely in the dark about the feelings of those around me because I cannot believe a single flowery word that comes out of their mouth. "How have you been?  I was just thinking about you! You know, we should really get together some time soon" should mean, "When would lunch be convenient for you?", not "Hello, you have reached the Smith residence."

Did I create problems for the next time Alex says "dammed" and then refuses to apologize? I figure, with self-confidence borne of proper well-grounded principles will help him figure out how to navigate the social landscape with grace. Perhaps this is why I find teacher phone calls such a wonderful source of amusement!

Starting a new life

As a child, at my mom's encouragement, I used to "start a new life" with every milestone: new school year, new semester, certainly a change in residence. It is a great time to decide to change your habits for the better, when you have an opportunity to clear the slate and start over.  Only it never worked out... Turns out, clean slate is not a sufficient condition! Nor is a desire to change. One needs a different plan, a different approach to the things that have been less than successful in the past.  Just "trying harder" is rarely the answer.

We are finally moving to Orange County, a beautiful town of Laguna Hills, to have our oldest son start kindergarten at the Van Damme Academy (a small school, which four years ago, has captured our hearts, thoughts, and a registration deposit). We found a beautiful house. I mean, really, amazing! It has enough space for us to relax, enjoy each other and have time to ourselves at the same time. There is small back yard with enough room for a play area, a patio set and even a substantial garden. We have a real fireplace, a beautiful kitchen and even a play room! And now the question is, will we turn this wonderful home into the mess that ours usually becomes?

After a lot of discussion, we are leaning toward the right answer.  We are starting a new life! A life in which all things have a place and are put away immediately upon use, just like in a Montessori classroom. It sounds magical! What a great place to call home! No stains on the carpet, no food or toys left around, no clothing trails leading to the kids' bedroom. We are excited, motivated and we have this beautiful space in which to start.

Only... wait! That one other thing: the method. Now, that is the stumbling block... I have tried to implement a system like this just over a year ago, when I decided to set up a Montessori homeschool at home. I gave up for this specific reason: I have no idea how one goes about creating, let alone maintaining an ordered environment!  All the Montessori books I have read are less than helpful.  They matter-of-factly state "In a Montessori classroom children are expected to take care of their own environment."  Duh. Unfortunately, expectations alone do not produce results. Not being well-organized or tidy myself, I have tried for years to work with my kids and focus on putting things away.  There have been minor successes.  But nothing you'd notice if you came over for a visit... Eventually, I decided that it was not something I was going to ever try again.  It was simply not worth the tears, not mine, not my children's.

And now I cannot resist reopening the issue. How do we make it happen? Here are some of my  thoughts:

• Create an unlimited budget for organizational materials (cubbyholes, hooks, baskets, coat racks, etc). Granted, this would not be a large budget: how much can you really spend on something like this?  But it would provide some structure and ensure that a solution to any "I can't figure out a place for this item" type problem is only one click and two amazon-prime days away.
• Get a buy-in from the children on the idea of having a nice home.  I know, Alex has recognized the negatives, such as his inability to find things, though he has told me, it was worth it to not have to put things away. Still, they adore the new home, and it's a nice time to try.
• I am considering a celebrations/achievements structure. Not the typical reward stuff, but rather a self-congratulatory all-family celebrations that recognize what we have achieved. OC is so amazingly full of places that are fun for families - going out, celebrating, then bringing back a souvenir that goes on some kind of an achievement board may be a wonderful way to mark the difficult journey.
• Using music to help motivate clean-up moments, such as those that happen when stuff is left out beyond what's proper. Having to interrupt one's activity because the mess is left behind can be softened with something fun, upbeat and silly.
• But the bottom line is, somehow, we need to get into the habit of putting every single thing we touch where it goes right after we are done with it... And even more importantly, doing this without losing our positive sense of life or our temper.

This is not an easy undertaking.  My biggest fear has to do with the scenario when a child becomes simply unwilling to comply, worn down by the difficulty of the path. "Why do I always have to do this?!" Alex asks me in desperation."  "I just don't want to!" Lily frequently announces as she breaks down into tears. I have to have a plan for when these things happen. Do I help?

Probably not.  Most likely, we take a break for hugs, long enough to feel better. Then decide what would make the experience worth enduring.  Music? A fun activity after?

There still needs to be a plan C - what we do after nothing, absolutely nothing, will make this livable. Some parents advocate getting rid of toys (or just storing them away) that don't get picked up. Is that fair when there are two siblings and they share the toys?  Obviously, the other one could do it, but if the toys stay available, there is a real problem.

What are your thoughts?  How do you tackle the putting things away problem with young children? Do you sigh and do it yourself? Engage the child into a game? And what do you do when everything fails?  I appreciate all the thoughts!